3 Months of misery

[coffee_]

I wont fall for the bait. I was super mad yesterday and broke sandi's rule about no fighting. She led me to believe that I was cooking dinner so I planned on it, but then she told me her and her older friends that we have known since we got M'd where going to hang out at her mothers, she invited me but it was a reaction not an action. I am having trouble realizing the differences, maybe she was reaching out who knows, anyways I told her I already had plans.
I do not want to be her safety net, I want to be her H, she should realize that. I called Cristy, not sure I can afford it but will try to figure something out. I do not want a D but have to proceed "as if". She asked if I was reaching for something when I told her to make me an account admin on my phone, and wondered why I was getting my new Bank account. I have a savings account on my own, and she doesn't touch that and wondered why I didn't just use that, I told her because it has her name on it.
She texted 45 minutes ago saying HiYa whatcha doing? Of course I resonded too quickly and haven't heard back from her. Sick of being treated like this. She has the S13 with her and the 2YO that we take care of so I am sure she wasn't trying to figure out where I was so she could go do bad stuff...like she sometimes does. I know Sunday morning is her time to hang with the OM, I think his W works or something. Didn't care, went for a mountain bike ride with my S13 and my buddy. It was a beautiful morning to be out on the trails. Now I am just poking around the house fixing things, keeping my hands busy. I did fix a couple things on her list but it is stuff that needs to be done, and stuff I just don't mind doing. I hate when things break and usually just fix them. We have never had to pay a repair man, and rarely a mechanic in the 21 years of our M. This is how I supported the house. She says I don't put her needs before my own, but I keep the motor running around here, I thought that is what I was supposed to do.
When she said she needed a hobby, I knew she liked to garden, so I suggested a greenhouse. I drew up plans for the greenhouse for her birthday and gave them to her. I didn't end up building that greenhouse but purchased one and built if for her last fall. I remnded her that I do put her needs before mine if needed. She is just needing something else, but won't tell me what. She has also said that all she does is help people (its true) and never has time to be selfish. I told her that her A is the most selfish thing she could have done. I think it boils down to her not being able to tell me what her needs are, and me not being able to recognize them, or read her mind...this M is so broken, I won't give up until it is over, which I am scared to death that it probably will be over. Especially when I am headed down that road. I don't think she will stop it, and I won't stop it because I am stubborn. I remember that day when she told me she was in this forever. I am a rock, I believe what people tell me, especially when it is my best friend of 21 years. I am still trying to get the dagger out of my back. I am detached fairly well, especially now that the fog has cleared from my head. I really do understand how crappy she has treated me, even though she treated me pretty good...hard to understand, but getting easier to accept that it is what it is.
I have a quote that I saw on Anthony Bordain.
Our heads are round so that our thoughts can change direction.
-Allen Ginsberg