Is the only solution to this - she seeing the kids and I going on with our lives without her?
The solution to what? The M problems? She seems to think you were the problem. You say you have made a lot of improvements. So, do you still agree with her? If not, then why are you still listening to her b.s.? I know you are, b/c you are repeating all the crapola she said. It will keep you attached as long as you believe what she says.
The real problem is not you. Do you know what it is? It is her wayward mindset. You could be next to perfect, but with her mindset the way it is, she would twist everything around and still blame you. If she won't cooperate; wants everything her way; and she is not willing to work with the MC, what can you do...........outside of rolling over and playing dead? That was what you were doing when you first arrived on the board, so you know that doesn't work too well.
If you don't want her back the way she is currently (WW), then you may need to see what legal steps to take in protecting yourself and the kids. If she planning to rent a basement apartment, hopefully she won't bulldoze her way into the house...........but you never know. I'm not telling you to D her, I'm just suggesting you protect yourself before she blindsides you with something else.
Then I suggest you leave her alone. Live your life to suit you and the boys. If she should decide to get on board, then she may try to bulldoze again.....and if she does, you tell her it won't work that way. When she decides to do whatever it will take to save the MR, then she will go to you, with the right attitude and ask you what it will take from her to save it. But she is not going to be impressed with your changes, as long as she can tell you she's moving back whether you like it or not.
Stop having meals together. If she's over and wants to eat with the boys, then you need to go somewhere else. Don't hang out as a family with her (watching tv, going out to eat, etc.). Frankly, I would check with the lawyer to see if you have to let her stay there when it's her turn to have the boys. She probably knows that is the only way the boys will stay around her.
Don't have "family" events with her. No invitations to things, as long as she remains this WW you see before you. Time to go as dark as possible. The good thing about having teenagers is that they can communicate for themselves and you don't have to be answering her text messages. You can tell her to call them direct, and if she whines that they won't answer.........,that is a problem between her and her boys. I think you should tell her so, and that she has to work it out with them, b/c that her relationship with the boys.
Whenever a WW removes herself from the family home and her H/ children.........she removes herself from the umbrella of "protection and care" that a H usually shows for his W. Maybe it's time she sees that side of her decision.
Time for you to be the one who calls the shots, and another reason you need to protect yourself legally.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
