A new crossroad reached

[mleigh4]

Hi guys. is it just me or is time flying by!? I have been busy and feel a need for some R and R, which I plan on getting today.

After H had shared his work related stress with me on Monday, I decided to send him a quick TM Tuesday morning to say I hoped his day was better, with an emoji sunrise. He replied a few hours later saying it was now. A nice response

Tuesday MIL said she could pick up S from summer camp on Friday after lunch. I said ok, then heard nothing more from her. Friday afternoon, I took my lunchbreak at about 2:00 and decided to see if she had picked up S or not. She had not. How does she think that makes S feel? To say she is an unreliable flake is putting it nicely. I can not wait until the day I no longer need to deal with her.

On Wednesday, I got a TM from FIL to say thank you again for coming over on Fathers Day and to say he loved me. I am glad I have reopened the door to my R with him a bit, but I feel hesitant as he is the closest connection to H.

Contact with H remains positive but scarce. He came yesterday to pick up S and stayed for a couple of hours. Apparently he bought a broken electric bike that he fixed up and took out on Friday night. He crashed and has a huge gash across his chest. I shake my head but just told him I was glad he wasn't hurt worse.

After they left, I headed to a graduation party and had a good time. Bad boy friend continues to try to get my attention, I now have friends telling him directly to give it up already! We all danced up a storm while the grad and his buddies waited for his mom and friends to tire out so they could take over the party. Lol. Since the day he was born, the grad has grown up with all of us around. His dad, H best friend and my very close friend since High School, passed away in 2007. The grad gave a heartfelt speech to us all thanking us for being there for him and his family through such tough times. His mom, one of my BF, had invited H. He mentioned he might stop by with S, but of course didn't. She has been very open in letting me know she feels let down by H, but she keeps her home and heart open to him. She is one of my biggest inspirations, a truly amazing woman and I let her know it.

I continue to feel H and I live in very different worlds. While here yesterday, a few general statements were so full of negativity. I just feel we have nothing in common, other than a few brief connections here and there, there is nothing that has me seeing us through this. I continue to hope he learns a way to have a more positive outlook on life around him.

My state of mind has changed so much. I feel inside to be full of warmth, hope, faith and an overall sense of positivity and calm. When I am around a vibe of negativity, I feel an urge to move away from it. I find myself moving and growing further from H, yearning to have a more positive person to be a part of my life.

The way I see it, one of two things will happen. Either H and I will find a way to reconnect. Or, someone new will come into my life who I feel a connection with. In the meantime, I live on and move on, to see which happens first. It sounds a bit bad I suppose, I no longer feel a real "committment" to my marriage. After so long, that has faded, I feel more that I am open to letting my life unfold as it will be instead of trying to control the outcome. I feel very at peace with that. Life is short, and right now, I don't see us being a fit. That goes both ways, we both deserve to be with someone who we can be ourselves with and feel happy with. I don't see myself being that person with H, and vice versa. Not sure if I have changed too much, if H has changed too much, or both. The love will always remain.

Next weekend is 4th of July and I hope we can all enjoy the time together. I find myself trying to lead H towards a happier view and path, but we all know there is only so much we can do. They need to figure it out for themselves.

On a creepy note, I found my side gate wide open this morning. All gates stay closed because of dog, but she was with H last night. Someone was on my back deck, not a good feeling for a girl home alone. I checked all window locks, all in place. It's a comfort to know I have a house alarm too and will be using it.

I hope you all have a good weekend and week. Stay positive and live in the moment.