MLC vs Midlife Reboot

[ciluzen]

Sotto, next to the library is a dream for me, as well! I believe today will be the day that we get the very last load of stuff from the house (we've been storing things in the shop) and into the storage facility. I plan on taking a few of my violets and Iris with me, as well. There are quite a few so the new owners won't even notice.

Sotto and Feyth, H does seem to be struggling with his emotions, and I can be there when he needs, but I don't know if that's going to be something he will want to or feel comfortable pursuing when our house moving chores end. I know that he feels guilty and horrible for hurting me and I think he somehow sees himself in a negative light. I can only listen if he chooses to talk. I hope the distancing after this move allows him time to think and maybe even miss me, but who knows.

We had an incident with D24, who likes to put everything on FB. She put something on FB that sounded very selfish about her non-involvement in the move and her feelings about our family. I chose to ignore it as I've learned to do with bad behavior that is attention motivated. Also, she had already called each family member and vented/ argued during her anxiety attack. H is not on FB. But people in his office are and let him know of her posting. Also Bubbles received a screenshot from one of her friends which she showed to H. This prompted H to send a very mean text to D24, which he read to me.

I agreed with his saying it shouldn't be on FB, but that's something she's been told a million times. I pointed out that telling her a million and one times probably wouldn't sink in either. That maybe he should 180 and ignore her, which is what I chose to do.

I then focused on what I told him was very "high school" behavior on the part of his friends. The woman who sent the screen shot to Bubbles is someone who communicates with H often. I wondered why she wouldn't have called H to talk about his daughter or me, as she knows us both well. They are all gossips and I started a whole convo about how they were using this as entertainment disguised as caring and that as much as he was trying to keep our situation quiet, the fact that they gossip about each other incessantly means that they are doing it about us, too. Yes, it angers me and yes, I know part of the anger came from the fact that Bubbles was involved and it affected my child's relationship with her dad. Although he got irritated and defensive at first, he was able to understand enough that we created a protocol.

If people were asking him about me or the girls, he will from now on suggest that they communicate with us (whoever the subject is) by phone, text, or in person...with a friendly "I'm sure they would love to hear from you." He knows I've always hated gossip, so I thought I'd define it for him and did. There really is a big difference in sharing an interesting story or happening with others in a positive and non-judgemental way, or with the idea that you can come up with a way to either celebrate or help the person involved and gossip. Gossip is spreading a story or happening that can possibly hurt someone or their reputation for the value of entertainment and ego for having dished it. It is a vehicle for being judgemental without even a thought of trying to help or hinder. It is a way of seeking attention. The rest of the day was a little tense, even though he agreed with me.

Today however, he seemed to have really thought about why I was angry. He was much more friendly and talkative, and even clarified a few times whether or not something said was gossip ...not sarcastically, but as if he really wanted to know. So we discussed why it wasn't.

You may think I spend too much time on some of these details, but communication is interesting to me. I'm not perfect and both H and I have had communication problems throughout our marriage, even though I thought we were doing fine pre-BD. This learning process is interesting to me as well. I'm seeing the difference in my life (my friends have commented on it a lot) and I'm glad he seems to be listening to me when I try to share what I'm learning.

Just enjoying the twists and turns of this journey we all are walking through. Sometimes its uphill and full of rocks, but sometimes its a pleasant stroll through a soft meadow with an expansive vista.