Did Not See It

[RDS]

Tomorrow is week 7 since my W left me. In a lot of ways, I am further along than I would ever had thought when it first happened. But I’m still hurting and a lot of it is because I’m living in this house. I’m trying to clean out the house and getting rid of stuff but while I’m doing that I keep running into things that remind me of “us” and it’s all I can do to barge forward.

My daughter is gone for the week because she is house/dog sitting. Her hours of being here are so random but knowing she will be coming home every night is comforting, but knowing she won’t be back until next week makes the house feel really dead. She moved back in two years ago after she got her Bachelor’s degree so she could concentrate on getting her Master’s. She pays rent and she helps around the house (more than my W ever did the last few years) so she isn’t freeloading. I’m so glad she is around because she does keep my head on straight. My W used to come home randomly but I always knew she would be coming home and that was reassuring. Of course that's not happening anymore.

I attended social events (part of my GAL) Wednesday and Friday night. I had a good time at both events. The one on Wednesday was a smaller group and it was mostly for political purposes. I sat next to a 30-year old doctor and we really hit it off. The group I went to on Friday was a more social setting. I’m usually not big into large social gatherings but once I start talking to people I easily engage with everyone. When I told one of the ladies at the gathering that I was mostly an introvert she said you could never tell it by the way I acted. I don’t put up a front, but I do have the ability to converse with people easily. I just prefer to be by myself unless I’m with very close friends (which I don’t have currently).

One of the ladies I was talking to on Friday night is a widow. She was married for 31 years (as I am) when her husband died. She really seemed interested in listening to my sitch but we kept getting interrupted. She did say that being together for as long as my W and I and the marriage dissolving would be a tragedy. She said she could tell I needed to talk to someone to get it off my chest. The group is having an Independence Day get together on 3 July and I’m going to that.

I still can’t sleep and not knowing where my W lives gnaws at me occasionally. When she first left me not knowing her whereabouts consumed me and I bought a GPS tracker to put on her car but I never got the opportunity to put it on her car. Now I am not as concerned where she lives as I was. The first week or so I would go driving around to where I thought she might be staying but I never saw her car. This morning I woke up around 3:30 AM and I couldn’t go back to sleep so I decided to get in my truck and see if I could find her. I drove to a couple of low rent apartments that are within a couple of miles of where I live. I did not see her car anywhere. She has to be sharing a place with someone because she makes a little over $1k a month after taxes and there is no way she can afford a place on that. I just hope it’s not with an OM. I never got that vibe she is having an affair but I can never be 100 percent sure. My L thinks she is having an A as do a few other people I've talked to. I hope I'm not burying my head in the sand on that.

In the 7 weeks since the BD I have seen my W for about 5 minutes. I know I’m supposed to detach but I am finding it incredibly hard to do. My W was part of my life for over 33 years. I can’t cut off the emotions I have for her in just a few weeks. I was miserable before she left me and I’m even more miserable. I hate it. Reading some of the posts here where the H and W see each other daily makes me envious. I know most of the meetings aren't that good but I would love to be able to see my W occasionally.

I made up my mind I am going to schedule a telephone coaching. I have to exhaust everything to ensure I’m leaving no stone unturned. It’s taking everything I have not to pick up the phone and call her and beg her for another chance. Following DB as much as I can is preventing me from doing that.