What should I be Doing (piecing 6)

[Coconut]

This might throw some people for a loop, but I believe good people can make bad mistakes. I am not going to minimize what your W did, Coconut, but she had a 3 week flirtation with a coworker with some kissing. Big mistake, which has some awful trust consequences for you. There are many cheating cheating spouses who aren't such good people, had some pretty serious deceiving affairs and feel no remorse. (like my ex). Then there are some spouses who make a stupid mistake and really regret it and want to save their M. Never even wanted a divorce, never wanted to leave, just messed up big time.

I really think you W may fall in that category. Good person who made a bad mistake. Again, I am not minimizing this.

There is a fine line between boundaries and control. Generally in these early infidelity recovery situations it is the [former] wayward spouse that is the control freak. They want their marriage and life to continue with as few consequences as possible.

You mentioned the making her quit that job with OM was a likely deal breaker and I agree. It should be a deal breaker for you. If she wants to remain in a relationship with you she must go No Contact otherwise it just leads to this continuing crap. If you guys moved away and OM was complete history and she was at some new job this whole snapchat thing, though annoying, might not be that big a deal. It's hurtful because you know it's the perfect secretive app and she's still around OM and lots of other people that know about her affair. If you don't think the other guys at the firehouse don't think it's open season on your wife (she did it with X, so obviously it's a possibility to expect her to put out for others) then you're nuts.

I really wish you well. I'm not saying this isn't working out or can't work out but your wife is vulnerable right now to OM and all the attention and admiration she's getting with all these men at the firehouse. Recently wayward women think they are hot young cool chicks. You should be putting your foot down a bit about the snapchat. By "foot down" I don't mean give her an ultimatum but rather express that it's hurtful and you have no intention of controlling her but, perhaps, if rebuilding her marriage is a goal of hers doing things that continue to hurt you probably isn't a good idea as if may ultimately lead to you just leaving her or finding someone else yourself.

Saying "no snapchat" might be more on the controlling side but saying "snap chat is hurtful and I'd like it if you removed it from your phone for us".

It could be part of a broader discussion about social media too. Recovering couples need to focus on their relationship and avoid outside intervening and potentially interfering relationships. Stay off Facebook and twitter. Don't go to a bunch of parties and double dates or even relatives houses. Spend as much time alone with your spouse as you can working this out between the two of you and becoming each others favorite persons to spend time with again.

She won't care about snapchat after that.


Also - all these "boundaries" are reciprocal. It's not "control" if you are doing it too.

Man I'm struggling... I've got the angel W on my left shoulder that ginger describes, and then the devil herself on my right side that Georgia BD describes. I've had less and less emotional attachment to my W since MC.. I'm so fed up with the fact that she doesn't seem to care if she ever goes NC with OM, and I really feel what GBD said about it should be a deal breaker for me, and for the time being, I definitely feel that I am strong enough to follow through on that right at this moment, I'm just not sure if that's what I truly believe is necessary because I also agree with what ginger said, she's a good person who made a bad mistake.

I am truly struggling with what I want, because her actions with me are everything I could have hoped for, she's engaged with me, initiates conversation and intimacy, texts me jokes and just hellos throughout the day, our R is really good right now. But I still struggle with her social media addiction, her ambivalence to who sees or likes pics and comments on social media, and I'm still unsure if she is truly remorseful of what happened and her comprehension of how much it hurt me and our M.

Like I said, I've been more and more detached since MC, she's noticed and has asked several times if I'm ok.. I'm not acting sad or angry, just indifferent, not my usual jolly self, I've told her that I have a lot of emotions that I'm working through, and I'm not sad or angry, just neutral. I'm done telling her what I want or need, I've told her enough that I don't think she's fully committed to, so I'm not going to keep asking, she needs to figure out what she should do. Also, I definitely feel like she wants to rug sweep, she still gets very defensive when I bring stuff up, even the MC noticed it when I asked W a question in counseling, the MC told her I asked the question very softly and W immediately got defensive.

So I continue on, I'm not gonna give up in a day, cause I know feelings change, but I have decided I am going to start clearing stuff out of the house that we don't use, sell it on Craigslist, and I'm going to start saving some money on the side in case I decide to get a place of my own..

She invited me to go to a get together with her fire class last night at one of their houses, I went, but I found myself really not wanting to go, I had fun, but not because of my wife, I had fun hanging out with her classmates... Pretty sad if you ask me, that I wanted her back so bad, and just a month later I enjoy hanging out with people I don't know more than with her.