My story so far

[Zues126]

Glad you found these forums. I know where you are. I have been there too. It is hell. I wish this place didn't exist. But it does.

Here's the thing. You can't control her. You can only control you. This is the crux of DB.

It can take a while to get this. Most people start by hoping DB is some advanced technique to get their WAS to change their behavior. But it isn't. There isn't one. You cannot change her behavior. I'll keep saying it. You can have your sister talk to WW. Your mom. You can give her speeches. You can write letters. You can go crazy. But you can't change her behavior. You can't. I'll keep repeating it because it is so hard to accept, but so important.

What's the point of DB then?

Well, there's two points. One point is that while you can't control her to come back, there are a lot of things that you can do to push her away further, there are a lot of things you can do to make them worse. And funny enough, trying to control or influence her behavior is at the heart of all of the things that will drive her away. Anytime you find yourself wanting to do something "to get her to..." you are on the wrong track. To get her to see. To get her to admit. To get her to stop. To get her to understand. To get her to feel. To get her to want to. To get her to get her to get her. Stop. Anytime you try to get her to do anything you will come across as controlling, and she will in turn want more space from you and will be more rebellious.

The other point is that DB is about giving you some ideas of how you can control yourself. So you can look back in 2 years and sleep soundly at night knowing you did the best you could in a hard spot. So your life is rebuilt and you are in a good spot, regardless of how your WW behaves or what she chooses to do. I will give you a couple of things that have helped me. You can read them quickly and nod, but it will take months or years for you to really understand. But maybe I can plant a seed now that will help for later.

1. You can't expect her to let go of her dependence on OM if you can't let go of your dependence on her. You're focusing on her dependence. Focus on yours. Lead by example.

2. If you can't find a way to enjoy your life with all you've been given...if you are so unappreciative that you look at God and tell him that despite your family, your health, your children, your employment, your friends, your hobbies, and everything else you've been given, you can't enjoy your life and will be unhappy forever without the marriage you want...if you're THAT unappreciative...well, having some woman change how she feels about you won't solve that problem anyway.

Those are the keys. Start detaching. Start letting go of seeing yourself through her eyes. Start looking in the mirror, and trusting your own judgment about who you are and what you value is. I'd HIGHLY recommend a DB coach. Highly.

At this point I almost want to just start dating again because I can't take the stress of this much longer. I know if I go on even one date I'll probably torpedo any chance of a future with her.
I just can't live like this very much longer and I don't know what to do. Thank you everyone for reading this post any suggestions are desperately needed.

What makes you think it's ok for you to date? Because you are in pain? Because you want comfort? How can you expect her to act with character if you can't? Act with the character you wish she had. If you can't do it, it's not fair for you to expect her to. Be a leader.

What you must do is own your journey. Yours. Even if things don't look like they are going the way you want them to. Even if you don't get the marriage you want. Even if she is a total brat. Even if she betrays you and hurts you. None of that is fun, but none of that relieves you of your responsibility to be a strong man, father, and leader of your family.

Keep posting. Read everything you can. And one last thing- don't make any drastic actions. Right now your emotions are all over the place, like when you step on a scale and the needle bounces back and forth. Don't trust your emotions, don't act on them. Don't trust your thoughts, they are just rationalizations from your emotions. It's time to be still, STFU, post a lot, read a lot, and just try to live 90 days without doing anything destructive (like burning bridges, medicating, or making things worse).