Detachment, anxiety and the end of limbo 2

[SH_]

Phoebe,

Your support means so much to me. I apologize I have been a bit withdrawn. I am trying to find myself within, and falling into the old habit of hiding within and avoiding the things that can help me. I put my energy into others such as my daughters and people I work with and my friend who is having challenges of his own with his WW.

I know I need to focus on me, but I don't want to feel the pain. Or maybe it is that I fear that I don't have the feelings I should. Not sure. Feelings have been such a confusing thing for me my whole life. I feel like I am in constant turmoil within, but I am accused of showing no emotion.

I feel loss right now, but I don't want WAW back. The anger has started to swell this week to the point I find myself muttering to myself about it. My D17 has noticed it, as it seems to come on absent mindedly.

I probably do need an IC. I am just not sure if that works because I don't trust myself to open up honestly. Don't get me wrong, I try to, but I am so easily distracted in conversations I tend to go down the path of least resistance and solve the easy issues.
Leaving the issue I had a question about.
Why have I come to the state of calm so quickly?
Have I truly accepted what has happened?

My mind fights with itself until I force it to quiet down by looking to the simple problems to solve.
Grrrr.....

I don't want to waste my life struggling within.
I want to enjoy life with family, friends, personal growth, and service to others.

This is my personal struggle each day of late.