A better weekend for me this week, compared to two weeks ago. Don't know why depression hit me so hard that weekend.
Had the kids over for tea yesterday, so that's great. It's Father's Day in the UK on Sunday and my little 'uns brought over some chocolates and a card, which is sat beside my TV as I type this. My SD bought the gifts and put in 'you're the best Dad ever and you always will be'. That was nice; as an SD she didn't have to put that.
Anyway, my W is, I think, temp checking me. Over the past week she has started some conversations with 'when we were together', the repeated it and then waited for me to react. I haven't. I'm not rising to the bait. Last year would have seen me react badly to such a statement, this time not so. My W then went on to tell me how her week went and how she has claimed for PPI Insurance (if you're in the UK this is a big thing) and she wanted me to help her claim. I said I didn't want to and she replied, with spew, with 'I'll do all the work then'. I just said 'yeah, that's fine', which sent her in to a little bit of a spiral. What she doesn't know, or worked out yet, I never got PPI on any finance package we had, so she's wasting her time.
Again, not rising to the bait, she said I wouldn't see the kids until next week and they wouldn't be coming on Sunday to see me and I just nodded and said OK. I could see she was trying to get something out of me and I'm just cool as a cucumber. Proud of myself really as inside I am a bit peeved that she can't be arsed to bring the kids over on Father's Day.
Have already ben to the gym today and have got all my washing done. Watching the Euro Footy now and have bought some really nice sausages from Marks and Spencer for tea later - yum!
Nice and sunny here, so will probably go gym and walk tomorrow to get lots of good exercise in. Quite a lot of people now commentating on my weight loss and change in physique which makes me feel good.
Hope everyone is having a good weekend!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Hi Huddy, I'm glad you're having a better weekend and that was a lovely message from your SD, bless her. I had a nice Mother's Day text from SS this year and I was really touched. I think as a step parent you come to have no expectations for these days, so it's extra nice when they are recognised.
As for recent convos with your W. I think you are right not to react to her reactive behaviour as I think that would spiral - ie: if you do something, she would always do a little more etc.
Whether she was temp checking who knows? And comments like that are certainly ones to shrug off I think. For convos like the PPI, I wonder if revisiting the validation techniques might be a good idea as this convo ended in a negative reaction from her? Might it have been reasonable to say to her - as far as I'm aware we never had that, but if you want to check, go ahead. And if she persisted, to then say - this is your project not mine, and good luck if that's what you want to do....I could be wrong in thinking we never had it...etc
To me, it's about accepting she may want to do that. Helpfully letting her know what you want to know and being clear about your wish not to be involved - all pleasantly. From what you post, I wonder whether you may sometimes come across as a little huffy and obstructive in your interactions?
So, what plans do you have for yourself in coming months Huddy? Detachment is a work in progress for many of us and the more we can GAL separate to our WAS, the easier it is to genuinely detach more from what they are doing.
Hope you manage to have a nice day tomorrow even if you don't get to see the kids xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I don't blame you for getting out of the PPI, I'm not sure I'd even help my own mother with that minefield!
It's rubbish that you're not seeing your kids tomorrow for fathers day, my W couldn't even be bothered to get me a card from my daughters. I suppose you just have to shrug those things off and not react.
Based on how the Euros have started you should be on for a good nights sleep tonight, been duller then dishwater.
I'll clarify that I was pleasant in the 'I don't want to' convo. It's difficult to put it across on here! I always am showing my happy side, just not rising to bait anymore. It is quite marked that she is making more comments though, to try and get me to react.
Hi KyleR
PPI - if you can't be bothered to read the small print, don't sign! That's my philosophy and I think the banks will get it out of you some other way!
It's sad your W hasn't got you a card. I know it's a nonsense day, but it always feels great to feel appreciated. Don't react, stay strong and be confident. You'll get through.
I got bored with Austria/Portugal - you're right, it was dull! Went to the bath instead!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Hi Huddy. I would echo Sottos thoughts on the PPI convo , if you had said something along the lines of Sottos wording it would have been the detached thing to do Just my humble opinion
It's cr@p you won't see your kids tomorrow but great that SD and the others said such wonderful things
Good news on the new body and keep at it Arnie !!!
It seems your doing great an getting on with life and the more you detach from the outcome ( not easy at all ) the better you will feel
The kids called today to wish me happy Fathers Day. I was on the train on my way to the gym, so they couldn't get through initially, so my youngest left a voice mail and then I called my W back as I had a missed call from her.
When I called she said 'I've been trying to get hold of you all over the place. I called your home and mobile, I wondered where you were'. I think she's still attached as well to me and is fighting the urge to return. I know she is really stubborn. Just me thinking out loud.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Do remember it doesn't really matter what she's up to and how she's behaving. If she wants back in she will let you know for sure. Short of that, spending time wondering about what the WAS is saying just holds us back - and moving firmly forward is the way to go....
Just sayin'
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Huddy , if your right about her fighting to the urge to come home then she has some cheek , fighting the urge ? As if she has that choice after what she's put you and the children through, after all she's said to you and been on dating sites and looking for cosmetic surgery worth 10k + , as if your just sitting there waiting for her to make the decision that you'll make a plan B because the grass wasn't greener and after the way she tried to use the kids as pawns last week when the driving was getting too much for her !!!!!!!! And now she's letting her stubbornness stop your family being happy and she couldn't even bring the children over today of all days !
All the above is obviously tongue in cheek but I'm trying to make a point , IMHO you are worth more than how your W is right now
A 'thinking' week this week! I'll try and explain.
I've been taking my own medicine. I've re-read all sandi2's homework threads on the WAW/WW. I can see so much in this that relates to me and W that I have been reviewing my actions. So, what can I take from that?
Well, I have done so much work on myself. I am much fitter than I was, thinner and my confidence has returned. I look after myself and the usual stuff like keeping house etc. is not a problem.
I feel I have grown a lot closer to my kids (I was really close anyway, but not seeing them every day makes me value every minute even more) and I think I am a good dad. Nothing is ever a problem for me and I fit my schedule around my kids visits.
I always try to look my best (not easy after sweating like a Scarborough donkey for an hour in the gym!) and always wear aftershave and shave every day, except at weekends (it kills my face - I used to have a beard). My clothes are all freshly ironed and I like to look smart, even if I am just relaxing.
So, as I see it, I think I have done a lot of work. I am not needy, I don't contact W unless it's about the kids and apart from the odd bought of depression, I seem to get by. I feel that it's definitely up to W now to make a move. I don't want to D, so I won't push that at all. I am making more moves to GAL. I do sometimes wonder if I am missing a signal, but I think if W really wanted me, she should say something. She knows I love her, she knows how much I desire her, but, she has to feel the same. I do feel she is going through some MLC motions - cosmetic surgery quotations, checking Match.com etc., but she doesn't put any of it in to action.
So, I don't think I'm missing anything, or should be making additional steps towards W, but don't be afraid to push me in the right direction if you think I have.
W has been asking for me to have the kids on 1 July since May. Don't know why, but it's not my weekend, so I have arranged a GAL activity for that night. My D has had chickenpox this week, so, I did offer to have my D on Thursday if W needed to do any hairdressing. She declined but said that she wanted me to have the kids on Friday. I said no and she immediately said 'why? Where are you going? What are you doing?'. I didn't offer any info, but she told me she was planning on going out. Have held firm, so when she brought the kids over today, she was mightily annoyed. I think it's her nephew's birthday, so I think she wanted to go to her parents for the weekend. Well, I arrange things around the kids schedule, not hers, so I feel justified in keeping my own arrangements.
So, a thoughtful weekend. I've just watched the footy on the TV and it's time for a bath. I'm exhausted as the kids were a bit jumpy last night as it was quite warm and with my D having chickenpox, she was still a bit feverish. Never mind, we had a great time.
I think, thinking time has helped this week, so I move ahead.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
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