MLC vs Midlife Reboot

[ciluzen]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. I know holding on to that pain and feeling of betrayal from "friends" is not beneficial. I'm trying to let it go and focus on the people who have really shown themselves to be true friends. And there have been some amazing efforts during this move to show me what friends can be like. From those who helped me to move, to the lady who helped with my garage sale and packed up my daughter's room, to my friend who helped me hang pictures because her wrist was broken and still wanted to help, to the friend who had me over to dinner multiple times because she knew I was too tired to cook. Those are my friends. I owe them so much for getting me through this.

I have now lived in my apartment for almost a week. I'm enjoying the area and actually taking my "farm dog" for walks 3 times a day is great for both of us. I still live in a beautiful area, very close to a state park (just a walk away). The apartment looks great...very modern, big windows, a view. And I'm next to a library!

H and I have been moving things out of the house into storage...just the two of us. We exhausted ourselves last weekend for three days, but laughed, joked, shared memories, shared meals...like nothing was wrong. Then he broke.

He pulled his sleeping bag out and started crying. I asked what set him off. He told me briefly how it was special. I touched his arm and told him it was ok to cry...it was a very special thing to him. I continued working. Then he started crying again, harder. I again asked what was setting him off. He went into greater detail, after about three tries. How it was a very expensive gift for a very special reason. That he had held on to it even though it was ripped and rotting. He kept saying it was just stupid..why did he hold on to such a useless thing? He dropped to his knees and sobbed uncontrollably and I held him as he kept telling me he was not worthy. That I had had to go through all of the stuff and deal with the memories and emotions, too, but that I had to do it all alone and he felt so horrible. He started to push me away, then pulled me back in...tight. So I just held him for awhile while he cried. He had a few other emotional moments, but not like that.

You have to understand, H is usually very in controll of his emotions. I've seen him lose control in anger in the past, but not sadness. I see more and more the battle he's waging in his own head. I don't fully know what it is, but I sure do see it happening.

Side note, my L showed me that H's L had finally responded to her request for mediation 2 dates. I then told H while moving that the times his L had said worked for H didn't work for me, but H had no idea what I was talking about. He still hadn't spoken to his L.