14 days of sheer hell - to get to heaven

[DDJ]

Thank you Sandi. I appreciate your words as always.

Yes, there is a thin grey line between been righteous and self-righteous. Between being selfless and selfish.

Here's the thing, I have no bitterness towards my WW. She is doing what she is because she is following her heart. For her it feels right to blame me for everything. It feels right to express her "love" to and for someone else (perhaps sexually).

I also do not feel betrayed by her. As we know, I am 50% to blame for this, until the point of cheating. I never knew what love was, so could never show her what it meant. I believe that I do now, but have hardened my heart to her, become a WAS.

I might come across as an a-hole to her, I agree, but i am no longer concerned about her feelings, well not much.

As for my spirituality, well, I feel a sense of purpose that I never had before. i also said that the further I get from my WW, the closer I get to finding myself. I was with her today for almost 3 hours and I lost myself to her in that time. I got sucked into the familiarity of it all. But here's the thing, I feel alone when I'm with her, in terms of a connection to God. It's like she's a magnetic field blocks out any sense of understanding. Like she's a drug, blinding me.

Only this evening, when I was away from her for many hours later did I feel as though I was not alone. I really can't explain it. It just feels right without her in my life.

I asked a friend, how does she deal with being single. She said that you learn to be happy alone. I replied "I am happy alone". I believe that I am detached, I have no anxiety, no insomnia, no tension, I am at peace. i really am.

Lastly, there is no possible way to separate without the divorce. She refuses to move out and I refuse to relinquish the house to save a M in which my WW does not respect, care or love me. Remember that on my side, I never really loved her either. I do not see it as a big decision, I see it as the right one.