Exactly, nitaf! Or even if for some reason H mentioned any of your sitch and the friend was negative- the truth is that your R is the dynamic between you and H only- other people can say whatever junk they want, but they don't have the control in what happens, it's what you do that matters! Making your life, rather than letting it 'happen' to you from others/things. My H has had friends who advised him junk- yes I felt irritated, but did I let that stop anything- instead took myself from a separation, straight to piecing! I had positive things to say to H when the junk came up. Always a better positive to every perceived negative- and remember this is your sitch, so you have great influence over how it goes!!
Master the self-fulfilling prophecy.. Act 'as if' it's going to happen and make it be!!
rottzilla I thought I just stop by and see how your were doing. I am happy to see that you are doing so well and your H is looking forward to doing things with you.
You are doing a great job and stick to your 180 because it is definately working.
Probably like you said being against DB principles, but Wow, it sounds like it really turned out well for you.
Quote: I have been really good at learning to ask a question or discuss an issue ONCE and then drop it after my questions have been answered.
Very good! I re-read parts of DR over the past week. Its helpful to continually review our more-of-the-same, make sure we're sticking to our changes, and see what else we can change.
Rottzilla, I continue to be impressed by your motivation and your progress. It inspires me.
Friday, went out with friend while H was out with D9 at princess dance. Friend and I saw a romantic comedy, not my type of movie. And, with my sitch, it made me cranky.
Later, she asked me to go bowling. H had just gotten home and called to ask what I was doing. He sounded cranky also, and I assumed he was in a bad mood. He asked what I was doing and sounded hurt that I was going out w/o him. I felt bad and asked him along. I shouldn't have, knowing my mood and that I wanted to be independent that night. We wound up being cranky with each other, which was mostly my picking at his buttons.
I admit, I was bad. But, he did hold me all night after we went to bed.
Sat, we went out with my XBF and his GF and H's friend who is divorcing. We have always gotten along with my XBF, but recently H has been aggravated because my XBF, whom I am very close to and cares about me, and happens to be very good at seeing inside people, told me he thought H had OW. H was mad at this because he sees it as a betrayal, that XBF doesn't trust him. I told H that he is crazy because XBF was right. He still doesn't see it that way. XBF also talks a lot and gets on some people's nerves. I admit, he's hard to take sometimes. H's friend has a crush on XBF's GF and hates my XBF. So, that was tense. But, H wanted me to invite them, so I did. The evening wound up OK, but we spent the whole day together and the afternoon was tense. H and I went home and watched movies and then to bed. He held me again and ML this morning. He initiated it, which is unusual but not unheard of. He actually did all the touching. It was nice. Still no eye contact.
He seemed in a very good mood after that. We had a good day together, H has some new students (my friends from dog resuce) for karate, and we spent the day with them after their first lesson.
Went home, watched movies, and then he gave me a karate lesson. I got frustrated because H has class twice a week for his students, but I am not treated like a student. Even though I take it seriously and study and pay him, he will drop my class at the first sign of something else fun to do, he doesn't test me for belts, even though I should be a few belts up from white by now. I got angry that he has fluffed off my classes for a few weeks and I had forgotten material. Started crying out of frustration and didn't want to, but couldn't stop myself. H said he understood and we had class. I was angry throughout and took it out on the moves. Got out some frustration. It wound up good, though, as we wound up playing with foam weapons and laughing and I kicked his butt, mostly because I am short (he's very tall, so I can get under his "radar" very easily) and he didn't expect me to be so fearless.
So, I'm taking a break to try to keep up my PMA and hopefully we will wind up finishing up our night the way we just ended karate class, with laughs and smiles and closeness. I don't think I backslid to the point of undoing anything I have accomplished to date, but I do think I lost some good opportunities at DBing.
I did realize that H liked it when I asked him today if I could stretch my legs out on him while sitting on the couch and share my blanket. Usually I wait for H to offer, and I think he liked me being aggressive and close to him. He got weird when I began touching his chest, though. (I used to like to rub it, it's hypnotic to feel his heartbeat) Perhaps too close to intimate for him.
Quote: which was mostly my picking at his buttons.
tsk tsk tsk.
Quote: we wound up playing with foam weapons and laughing
This sounds like awsome fun! I have to say there are days I want chase W around the house with foam weapons.
Quote: I did realize that H liked it when I asked him today if I could stretch my legs out on him while sitting on the couch and share my blanket. Usually I wait for H to offer, and I think he liked me being aggressive and close to him.
I think this is great. I saw what you posted on my thread about this. I think we need to occasionally take the lead, see how it goes, and adjust from there.
Quote: Not the best weekend.
But I don't think it was so bad after all. You continue to do really well, and H continues to warm.
H does continue to warm. It was nice last night. We woke up at 2 and ML and he held me so close all night, for the third night in a row. He was nice to me all night. (What I mean is I could feel warmth coming from him rather than just coldness and walls.) He actually touched me again and asked me if I had a "good time." First time he seemed to care. And that's not just my assumption. He has actually told me (at beginning of DB) that he just doesn't care if I had a "good time" during ML. He put his hands behind his head and just let me do what I wanted to to him because he said he just couldn't bring himself to care. He's warming all right.
H has told me that the nice things he is doing are conscious. In other words, he is trying to do nice things for me. I was hoping they were unconscious, but I'll take them either way. Michele says that in order to feel loving, you must do loving things. I guess it doesn't matter if they are conscious or unconscious as long as they are done.
Baby steps. That's all I can hope for is baby steps. If I look for anything other, I will get disappointed.
Still don't know what happened to my mood over the weekend. Wish I could figure it out so it wouldn't happen again.
Quote: Still don't know what happened to my mood over the weekend. Wish I could figure it out so it wouldn't happen again.
Hmmm, maybe we don't always need to know the cause of a thing to fix it? Seems to me that's some sort of DB principle. Feelings (and moods) are just feelings... where have I heard that before?
Seriously though, keep your eye on the baby steps, they keep coming for you!
H just text'd me and said he was very tired. (We had been unable to sleep last night. Kept hearing rustling and thought it was a mouse - our house is very old. Turned out to be insulation around the window that had kept us up.)
I answered back that I was too, and he said he didn't have lunch. I offered to bring it, but he said he could run out, and thanked me for offering. I said no problem, then he said "thanks for last night." (Meaning ML) YAY!
Why am I excited? Because that means he was sitting at work thinking of me again. Not only was he thinking of me (he was texting me, after all) but he was thinking of our time together in bed. That has to be good, right?
H said to me at one time, back around a few months after the bomb, two reasons that he didn't think he loved me anymore and never would again...
1. He didn't feel jealous when he pictured me with another man. Well, anyone who has read my sitch knows he has shown jealousy many times since, so that was proven wrong.
2. He didn't think about me all day long like he used to. Well, he texts me, emails me and calls me from work. He sends me pictures of things he is doing. If he isn't thinking about me, why all the attention?
So, those were his two strongest arguments against him loving me anymore, and they are bunk. Ha ha ha. I love it.
Feelings (and moods) are just feelings... where have I heard that before?