Pathway Change

[LiM]

Thanks Coconut, I will drop by and have a look!

I just don't how to feel, or what to think, one minute all feels normal, next I feel sad, alone, angry, nearly every emotion under the Sun.

I want to forgive, but worry about giving forgiveness to quick or to slow.

Sometimes I want to give up...

Hi Blueboy

Sorry for the situation you find yourself in but I'm glad your WW appears to be coming out of the fog. As Coconut mentioned, I've been working on piecing my M back together since my WW began being remorseful in early April after I filed for D.
The ONLY reason I was willing to let my W back was because I saw true, heartfelt remorse. You know it when you see it. If you have to question if its real or not, then it isn't.
My W has continued to be remorseful and is doing things she needs to be doing. I have access to all her text messages and email as well as phone records, location and finances. And she knows all this. She closed her FB account and severed all ties with not only OM but also all the athletes, some of them really good friends, that are members of OM's training group (my W is a triathlete and he runs a training group out of his home). She also read books on "how to help your spouse heal from your affair." Twice.
So she is doing everything she needs to be doing for the most part. I feel there is still a hint of fog hanging over her head but I think that is probably normal. Even Sandi on the forum says it took her 2 years after she stopped being wayward before she fully accepted her role in her choices and the impact it had on her husband.

I guess my feeling now is that I made it too easy for my W to come back. I almost feel like I should have made her sweat it for a little while with the D. Pretty much, I took that right off the table once I saw the remorse. But if I had left it on the table, even for just a few days, I feel like it would have really made her see how badly her actions had damaged our lives and that she would appreciate me even more now. I don't know if its fair or right for me to think this way. I just think I would feel more confident about things if I made it so that she had to FIGHT to get me back in the same way I had to FIGHT to keep her. There are SOOOOOOOO many things I could have done differently but didn't because I was following the DB process. There are things I could have done that would have made me feel MUCH better in the moment but could have ultimately damaged any chance of reconciliation. But I didn't do those things because I was fighting for us when she wasn't willing to. I fought for us by choosing NOT to do the easy thing while my W was. I would feel much more confident about things now if I had seen her FIGHT for me. I think you want to see this.
I believe with all my heart that my W loves me, is thankful and appreciate for me standing for our M when she wasn't and is doing everything in her power to repair the damage she did. But it would make me feel much better to have seen her fight for me too.