Hey nitaf and Dazed, I guess I didn't make myself clear. H and I have been talking to this friend about his sitch for a while. We counseled him to try to get a life, etc, in an effort to win W back. But, after his wife took up with her sisters XH, and he tried to kill himself, we basically said to do whatever makes you happy. This woman is living with her sister's XH and her kids are playing with his kids, which are also their cousins. And if they get married, then they are siblings, or still cousins. LOL - anyway.
It's not H talking about friends sitch I am worried about. It's H talking about OUR sitch with his friend. Right now, friend has no idea we are having trouble. He actually came to us about his M both because he and H are such good friends, but also because everyone around us looks up to us as having the "perfect M." LOL what a laugh.
Anyway, he has been asking our advice in his sitch, and now H wanted to tell him that we are having trouble. I was worried that if H told him WE are having issues, his friend would say "just give up, that's what I did and I am happier now."
Actually, I was so worried about this that I wrote to H and explained my worries. I wrote..."I am scared at the prospect of you talking to Mike about our situation. He is angry and hurt and disillusioned with love and marriage, and I am afraid he will tell you to just give up on our marriage and move on. Mike's a good guy, but hurting right now. Misery loves company, right? I don't want to control you, but I also don't want you talking to Mike about our troubles. I feel our troubles, which have been getting better, are private. I cherish our friendship and feel our closeness has grown so quickly and strong, and I know you care deeply about me. I feel that if you talk to Mike, it will just destroy what we have worked on and accomplished to date, and draw us further apart and possibly be the beginning of the end of our marriage. You are the only one who has ever made me happy. Until this whole mess, I relied on you to make me happy, but now I have learned to make myself happy. I know that without you, I will still be happy and myself. Still, the prospect of everything we have been working towards being destroyed upsets me. You were the one who asked me to keep it private before, and now this.
I really don't want to tell you what to do or ask you to do something you don't want or control you in any way, shape, or form.
I want you to be completely free, now and forever."
He responded...
"I have not, and will not, discuss our situation with anyone. Not because you don't want me to but because I don't think I should."
(Which is H's way of saying, 'I will do as you ask, but I am still asserting my independence here and it's for me, not you.')
I think what I did turned out OK because he allayed my fears and then we moved on to discussing our plans for this weekend. H is taking his D9 to a Princess Ball tonight with her Stepfather. Then we are going out with this divorcing friend tomorrow. He was upbeat and happy and ended our discourse with "El YAAAAAY! " which means he is looking forwad to this weekend.
It may not have gone with DB principles, but I still feel pretty good with what I did. Sometimes H is very tolerant. As long as it is not something I bring up again and again, which is old behavior. I have been really good at learning to ask a question or discuss an issue ONCE and then drop it after my questions have been answered. A 180 for me and he seems to greatly appreciate it.
" which means he is looking forwad to this weekend. 
