You're welcome Sage. I'm glad I could give back to you, who has given me so much.
Guys, I'm scared and need opinions.
My H's friend who is going through D, and whom through I have been able to find out what H thinks about M and Rs and other stuff in general, was with H today. (They work together.)
H called me and said he is thinking of telling his friend about our problems. I am terrified at this thought. Until now, H has kept it secret and we have been dealing with it the best way I know how.
I am scared that if he talks to this friend, who is angry and hurt and disallusioned with love and marriage, his friend will counsel him to just give up and move on. He's known this guy for 25+ years and they used to hang out together. It's likely he will try to get him to go out with him on the town and tomcat around, as his friend is just now trying to get over his WAW by dating.
I told H not to tell him anything until we had a chance to talk.
What do I do? I don't want to control H, but I don't want him talking to this guy about our troubles. I feel our troubles, which have been getting better, are private. I feel that if he talks to his friend, it will just draw us further apart and possibly be the beginning of the end of our M. H was the one who asked me to keep it private before.
I am terrified and scared and horribly upset by the prospect of him telling this guy.
4x4 time. Borrowing negatives seem to be the theme of the week with several posters.
I've pulled over to a rest stop, so don't worry about my fellow travellers on the interstate (THIS TIME!! )
The reason for your concern is that you still have not grasped the martian verbal communication concept.. It is so different from the venusians that there really is no comparison. IF, and this is a big thing, a martian should ASK for help, he is not opening himself up for mutual discussion, he is wanting solutions because he has exhausted all of his options. Your hubby is now confident enough to offer this assistance to his friend.
They are not going to go into a long touchy feely dialogue exploring the depths of mariatal bliss. Only the how do I fix this stuff. You hubby would not even think of discussing this if he didn't feel he had the answers for his friend.
Rottzalizations aside, this shows a deeper comfort level with your sitch by hubby. Allow him to help his friend by supporting his efforts and showing trust that you are growing closer. Don't make me get out the 4x6's!!
Hey nitaf and Dazed, I guess I didn't make myself clear. H and I have been talking to this friend about his sitch for a while. We counseled him to try to get a life, etc, in an effort to win W back. But, after his wife took up with her sisters XH, and he tried to kill himself, we basically said to do whatever makes you happy. This woman is living with her sister's XH and her kids are playing with his kids, which are also their cousins. And if they get married, then they are siblings, or still cousins. LOL - anyway.
It's not H talking about friends sitch I am worried about. It's H talking about OUR sitch with his friend. Right now, friend has no idea we are having trouble. He actually came to us about his M both because he and H are such good friends, but also because everyone around us looks up to us as having the "perfect M." LOL what a laugh.
Anyway, he has been asking our advice in his sitch, and now H wanted to tell him that we are having trouble. I was worried that if H told him WE are having issues, his friend would say "just give up, that's what I did and I am happier now."
Actually, I was so worried about this that I wrote to H and explained my worries. I wrote..."I am scared at the prospect of you talking to Mike about our situation. He is angry and hurt and disillusioned with love and marriage, and I am afraid he will tell you to just give up on our marriage and move on. Mike's a good guy, but hurting right now. Misery loves company, right? I don't want to control you, but I also don't want you talking to Mike about our troubles. I feel our troubles, which have been getting better, are private. I cherish our friendship and feel our closeness has grown so quickly and strong, and I know you care deeply about me. I feel that if you talk to Mike, it will just destroy what we have worked on and accomplished to date, and draw us further apart and possibly be the beginning of the end of our marriage. You are the only one who has ever made me happy. Until this whole mess, I relied on you to make me happy, but now I have learned to make myself happy. I know that without you, I will still be happy and myself. Still, the prospect of everything we have been working towards being destroyed upsets me. You were the one who asked me to keep it private before, and now this.
I really don't want to tell you what to do or ask you to do something you don't want or control you in any way, shape, or form.
I want you to be completely free, now and forever."
He responded...
"I have not, and will not, discuss our situation with anyone. Not because you don't want me to but because I don't think I should."
(Which is H's way of saying, 'I will do as you ask, but I am still asserting my independence here and it's for me, not you.')
I think what I did turned out OK because he allayed my fears and then we moved on to discussing our plans for this weekend. H is taking his D9 to a Princess Ball tonight with her Stepfather. Then we are going out with this divorcing friend tomorrow. He was upbeat and happy and ended our discourse with "El YAAAAAY! " which means he is looking forwad to this weekend.
It may not have gone with DB principles, but I still feel pretty good with what I did. Sometimes H is very tolerant. As long as it is not something I bring up again and again, which is old behavior. I have been really good at learning to ask a question or discuss an issue ONCE and then drop it after my questions have been answered. A 180 for me and he seems to greatly appreciate it.
Oh man, rozz and dazed boy, you guys are too much!! dazed boy, I should of had my OM talk to you!!! Once an erection began, we had to have sex and we had to have it at least every other day because he would get "blue balls" and then they would hurt and be sore!! Is there really any truth to that? If so, I think my ex needs to go the the hospital!!
thats so cool that he will not discuss with his friend. He will just be there for support. You have come so far I don't think there is anything to worry about. I read were you looked over you stich at lunch--kinda gets you focused again huh. Well, I think you are heading in the right direciton: Action oriented Positively stated Broken into steps "If you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time"
Thanks AnitaSues, I am definitely aiming at *something.* What, we'll have to find out.
I have been emailing back and forth with MIL all day. H does not know I talk to her about our sitch. But, before finding DB, she was my only release. She is so helpful in coming up with suggestions like giving me recipes from H's childhood to make him feel comforted (he's very food oriented) or telling me places they used to go hiking. Things from his past that will make him feel happy. Or helping me with insight into his LL from the past, etc. She thinks he is absolutely crazy and constantly tells me I have made so many positive changes in the lives of him and his children. It's so nice to be supported by family.
) 
. It is so different from the venusians that there really is no comparison. IF, and this is a big thing, a martian should ASK for help, he is not opening himself up for mutual discussion, he is wanting solutions because he has exhausted all of his options. Your hubby is now confident enough to offer this assistance to his friend.