What should I be Doing (piecing 6)

[Georgia Bulldogs]

There is a fine line between boundaries and control. Generally in these early infidelity recovery situations it is the [former] wayward spouse that is the control freak. They want their marriage and life to continue with as few consequences as possible.


When you lock your doors at night are you controlling your wife and family or are you keeping outsiders out?

When you put up a privacy fence are you trying to control what your wife can look at or are you trying to close in your back yard from outsiders peering in and neighbor's dogs dedicating in your yard?

You mentioned the making her quit that job with OM was a likely deal breaker and I agree. It should be a deal breaker for you. If she wants to remain in a relationship with you she must go No Contact otherwise it just leads to this continuing crap. If you guys moved away and OM was complete history and she was at some new job this whole snapchat thing, though annoying, might not be that big a deal. It's hurtful because you know it's the perfect secretive app and she's still around OM and lots of other people that know about her affair. If you don't think the other guys at the firehouse don't think it's open season on your wife (she did it with X, so obviously it's a possibility to expect her to put out for others) then you're nuts.

I really wish you well. I'm not saying this isn't working out or can't work out but your wife is vulnerable right now to OM and all the attention and admiration she's getting with all these men at the firehouse. Recently wayward women think they are hot young cool chicks. You should be putting your foot down a bit about the snapchat. By "foot down" I don't mean give her an ultimatum but rather express that it's hurtful and you have no intention of controlling her but, perhaps, if rebuilding her marriage is a goal of hers doing things that continue to hurt you probably isn't a good idea as if may ultimately lead to you just leaving her or finding someone else yourself.

Saying "no snapchat" might be more on the controlling side but saying "snap chat is hurtful and I'd like it if you removed it from your phone for us".

It could be part of a broader discussion about social media too. Recovering couples need to focus on their relationship and avoid outside intervening and potentially interfering relationships. Stay off Facebook and twitter. Don't go to a bunch of parties and double dates or even relatives houses. Spend as much time alone with your spouse as you can working this out between the two of you and becoming each others favorite persons to spend time with again.

She won't care about snapchat after that.


Also - all these "boundaries" are reciprocal. It's not "control" if you are doing it too.