OK KyleR, there is a reason I don't post on newbies sitches - I'm still here! Yep, 14 months in and I'm still here. I remember being in exactly the same place as you and thinking the same things and I still haven't pulled the D cord yet.
Oh, don't get me wrong, I think about every now and again, but in the back of my mind, I don't want to be D'd, so I won't do it until the last piece of me decides that the future would look better without my W in it.
Now and again, I get depressed, get pissed and fire off a tirade on here. Normally, RD, Sotto and NDY come along and give me some 'coffee' to sober up and I'm back in the room! So, why am I still here? Well, I got married for a reason - love and that hasn't gone away yet. If it does, then I could see a day I'll file for a D, but that's not yet.
Go and read sandi2's posts on WAW/WW and see, really see, how her reactions changed from minute to minute. Search for her using the advanced box. Right now, she's giving advice to a WAW/WW who's come for help. It's a goldmine of information that us LBS's (mainly men) just don't see.
I've given two pieces of advice to newbies today - very unlike me, as I don't want to give that 'old man not letting go' look about my sitch. However, when I see guys saying they are going to D just for closure, I remember some of my posts from last summer and I realise that it'll be a mistake, likely expensive, and should only be used as a last resort.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
No I don't want a divorce but I also didn't want my M to end in the first place, none of this whole process has been about what I want.
I know my mind and I honestly don't think I can carry on with living my life without seeking closure first. If my W is sure it's over and she is happy to D then that, for me, is all the closure I need.
KyleR,
I won't waste your time saying what has already been said. Plenty of LBS telling you real life advice. If you need more, please check out some other threads. I have read several LBS that regret running straight to filing the D even when they did not want it. Now they carry the guilt of that on top pf the rest of the pain. MWD just sent out an email titled Divorce is forever. It describes the pain that goes on with family members forever. Do you want the weight of that on your shoulders? Divorce is not a way to get closure. It is not an escape from the pain. It is not a decision that should be made from an emotional standpoint. Google "things you should know/consider before divorce. All that I have read, state that an important rule is to never file for divorce as an emotional decision.
You are emotionally injured.
Take this example of a physical injury and tell us what you would do.
If you were to break your arm, and then get an infection in it what would you do? Would you see a doctor? Seek medical advice? Have the bone set back in place? Try meds that can heal the infection? Do the physical therapy needed to strengthen the arm? Rest and get yourself back together? Listen to others that have gone through the same thing as you are? Would you seek a second opinion if the doc says they can not save the arm and you should amputate it? Would you listen to family members and friends that want to see your pain end and tell you to amputate? Would you simply cut off the arm so you could have closure and end the pain? Except that the pain would not end, because you would be missing an arm, phantom pains will happen, and regret can set in, if you started to think you could have done more to save the arm. Or will you fight for that arm and do everything in your power to heal and know that the cards will fall where they may and you will be okay.
I know you get the point here.
I will ask again. Which path will you choose? KyleR it is past time for you to listen up and get yourself together. Your daughter needs you to man up. Your future you, needs you to man up. Take back the power from your WAW through owning your emotions, actions, thoughts and behaviors. Read back through your thread. Would you be attracted to you? Will your future self be proud of you if you up to this point?
Will you heed the advice and feedback you have been provided by so many in this community?
Do what you gotta do, but take a moment to be sure that your future self will be proud of your decisions and actions. You owe it to yourself and your daughter.
You will do what you need to do, but I hope and pray it is the right thing for you and your family my friend. I will no longer try to convince you that you are reeling now and your thoughts and actions thus far will only bring more pain. There are enough examples of that in this community. Don't add to those examples. But do what you gotta do. I wish you the best.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Hi Kyler. How do you feel about that ? In one way it might make it easier for you because now she will file and you don't have to worry about upsetting her feelings about the reason ( unreasonable behaviour )
The post from SH was a great one and most of the advice you have got has been solid You are spinning right now and that's a hard place to make choices from.
All you W is doing , has been done by lots of WAS seen on here before. She is rushing to get away from you so she can be happy. Until she realises that you aren't the reason for her unhappiness then she will continue down this path
All you can do is to look after you and live your life for you.
We all hope that the WAS has this moment of clarity and leaps into our arms begging forgiveness but that's not real life.
Don't really know how I feel. In a strange way I feel a bit relieved.
I've spent so long reading in to things and analysing everything she says that I've been living in false hope. This however is a clear message that she sees us as over and there is nothing more to read in to.
A part of me is allowing me to think that she might come back revitalized and ready to fight after her trip but who knows.
Hi Kyler. Firstly there is always hope but I. The short to medium term I would expect anything from her except the usual script from a WAS
Right now she is done , and that's very hard to grasp. Her reasons may be sound or maybe in her head but to her , right now , they are 100% true and once you really believe that , you will be in a stronger place
IMHO stop talking to her friends about her, accept that she is done and start to live your life for you. What hobbies do you have , what things would you like to do or places would you like to visit ?
How about making today the first day of the new Kyler who chooses to live a happy and productive life for him and his kids. If one day W wants back in then you can see how you feel about that but that's for the future of ever
The blog can still provide you good info and advice if it is the choice of your W. My D was her choice as well, and the info in the blog held me stay grounded and make decisions not centered on emotions.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
