Hate to say this on here because of the support I've received but I have official given up all hope.
I'm going to the house on Tuesday to collect all my things and tell my W that when she returns from her trip to Boston I want to talk about divorce and how we're going to proceed with telling the kids etc.
Hi Kyler. I'm speaking for myself here. Why are you waiting until Tuesday ? If you are sure you want a D then that's your choice. Your a grown man and you get to decide what you want.
How did you get on with the lawyers ? What are you facing re custody and maintenance payments ?
When I and WW told the kids we did it together for the younger two and I just let WW explain as it was her choice the older two. 16 and 19 she told them and I spoke to them after
The kids will cope , not be happy but they will learn to cope You are making a choice and you have obviously considered the kids. The LBS has to be strong throughout this and even though we are struggling with our own emoitions the kids are all important
If you explain your game plan re the talk with the kids on here then the vets will have sound advice for you.
Re talking about the D with W , IMHO it doesn't matter what she thinks this is about you Do you need to speak to her about it ? Maybe getting your paperwork in order would be best and then see how you present it to her
I'm sure this wasn't an easy thing to decide and atleast now you can let go of all that constant analysing of what she saying or doing
My thoughts are with you and I admire your strength , I'm almost two years in to this and I only started the D ( and I'm going very slowly to see if it's what I really want ) a few weeks ago because I'm not sure if it's 100 % the right thing to do. Maybe I need more strength like yourself
I'm going to go to the house on Tuesday because it's the only day I can guarantee that I can collect all my belongings without my daughters being present and my W will be on her own so it's a good time to talk.
I'm going to speak to my W first re D as I want it to be as amicable as possible so it doesn't cloud and future relationship between us and our daughters. I also think that if I state my intention to start divorce proceedings and give her time to think on it and she still wants to go through with it then it gives me some closure that I need.
If I'm honest I'm not 100% convinced it's what I want but as you say it will help me let go of the constant analysing of everything she says and does.
Over the past 9 weeks I've been in some very dark places and considered doing things to myself that do not bare thinking about. I feel like I need to take some control of my life back and for me this is the only way I can see me achieving that.
I am concerned that you may not be ready to make this decision, but it is your decision to make and we will support you in that decision as well.
Why are you saying your going to talk to your W, so you can let her know you want to talk about divorce after she returns? If you want a D, file D, you don't need her approval; unless your hoping she will tell you it isn't what she wants and talks you out of it, in which case, your probably not ready to file.
Either way, please keep posting.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I want to sit down and talk to her before I file because I want to see if we can sort finances and childcare out without the need for lawyers. I also want to tell her how I'm going to file (unreasonable behavior). I have no ill feelings towards her and would like to be able to agree on the reason I'm going to use, I don't want her to feel like she's being attacked.
Do you want a D? If the answer is no, then don't. It's as simple as that. It will have next to no effect right now, cost you a fortune and eat up your life for months.
Just have a second thought, first!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
No I don't want a divorce but I also didn't want my M to end in the first place, none of this whole process has been about what I want.
I know my mind and I honestly don't think I can carry on with living my life without seeking closure first. If my W is sure it's over and she is happy to D then that, for me, is all the closure I need.
Kyle, if you dont want a D, then don't file. Why are you doing things you don't want to? Why do you put so much into what ypur W is thinking or feeling? She doesnt know what she wants. She's in a fog.
You're spinning. You have only been posting for a month. Your sitch is new. You're in a fight or flight mode.
You're not detached. If you're detached, you would file D because you want to. And not because you think it is what your W wants.
Why do you think that filing D will give you closure? It won't. You give you closure, Kyle.
If your W is happy to D, then let her! Why are you mindreading her and then doing the dirty work for her? If your crystal ball is accurate, then she should be filing soon, shouldn't she?
I would advice you to change another ic. I don't understand why your IC would advise you to file for D.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
No I don't want a divorce but I also didn't want my M to end in the first place, none of this whole process has been about what I want.
I know my mind and I honestly don't think I can carry on with living my life without seeking closure first. If my W is sure it's over and she is happy to D then that, for me, is all the closure I need.
Kyle -
I get it. You want to feel in control. You can feel your life spinning away from you and you want to grab it by the balls and take back control.
Here's the thing. Filing for divorce is not the way to do that. You say yourself that it isnt what you want. So then why would you do it? Being divorced in and of itself wont change your attitude, your mindset, your emotions, your sense of a lack of control. As JksD says, only YOU can do that.
And the way to push forward with that process is to detach and GAL.
You are listening to every word your WAW is saying and believing it and REACTING to it. You have to stop and start listening to what you want. Take back your life through LIVING your life.
