Detachment, anxiety and the end of limbo 2

[Phoebe]

So it's been a tough day and a half for me. It started last night when I was getting ready to do my final grief recovery homework assignment. I started looking around my house and came across H's pathetic little stash of Christmas gifts for me. They were just 3 tiny things that he picked up in an airport. It shouldn't have surprised me at all, as he had totally checked out already, but the lack of any effort or real thought on his part made me angry.

After that, I struggled to do my homework and found it to be really difficult. It was a letter of undelivered communications to H, including apologies, things I forgive him for, and significant emotional statements (like thank yous and the opposite). H will never get this letter, in fact it will never be shared with anyone except my witness.

My counselor (and my workbook) talked to me last week about forgiveness being an action, not a feeling. Too often people conflate forgiving with condoning. Forgiving means no longer allowing my memories to cause me anger or pain because that is what I need to do for myself. It does not mean that I hold H blameless or sanction anything he has done. Nothing he has done is OK, but as long as I let it continue to hurt me I can never be free.

Basically the letter is for me to share my undelivered communications to an invisible H, and ended with me stating that I need to let go of the memories so that they can no longer hurt me. The letter ends with "I need to go now and let go of the pain. Goodbye H."

I finished writing it after 1 am and then I slept really poorly - lots and lots of different dreams about H, so I was tired when I woke up. The last thing I had to do was read my letter aloud with my counselor as a witness at today's visit, and that was also difficult. Yes, I cried. But then I also got a very long hug and calmed down and felt better.

Forgiveness is letting go of the past for myself. It's an action. It's a plan for my future. It's something that I need to work toward every single day. It doesn't just happen because I said the words. That's just not realistic. What's important is that I understand and agree that it is not about H at all and never will be. He will never hear that I have forgiven anything. It's about me and how I choose to go forward and live my life. Forgiveness is a gift I give myself.

That was my final official grief counseling session. From here on out, my task is to go through the same process with any other relationships in my life which remain incomplete. The hallmark of an incomplete relationship is that thinking about it still brings pain or discomfort, no matter how many years have passed. I have quite a few of them. Then I write letters and read them aloud with my witness. I didn't have done miracle cure for my grief with this plan. It is a tool that I learned and one that I can apply to any other relationships in my life. It's a new way of thinking about my past and the pain that lies buried there.


With the rest of my day I went shopping, my first semi-retail therapy since this whole mess began. Really it's just stuff I delayed buying over the last few months because I didn't want to look like a financial burden to H. Now that R is pretty much off the table, I just said f*ck it. I've put off these things and it's time to get them now. I got my eyes examined and bought my first new glasses in a few years. Then I went to a wholesale club and got myself resupplied with all the glamorous basics like paper towels, detergent, TP, dish detergent, toothpaste, etc. that I haven't stocked up on since walk-away.

Lamest retail therapy, ever, right? I'm too pragmatic to blow money on foolish stuff, but it felt good to get the basics covered for a while. I also bought new trail runners yesterday because I've worn the tread off my current pair, and I still need to replace my daily wearer shoes. It seems like a lot all at once, but if I had bought it as I went along I'd still be a pretty cheap spouse.

Anyway, I'm hoping for a better and dreamless sleep tonight.

Tomorrow's plans: ice skating, then my 6 month dental cleaning. My last visit was while H was missing those first 6 days. I kept it to myself but they guessed something was wrong and got a bit out of my mother at her appointment.. They're going to freak out at the wright loss. Sigh. Tomorrow evening is my weekly social evening/ Weight Watchers meeting with my Mom. Friday I walk my property lines with a hunter who I allow to use my land, and then I'm meeting my L friend for s bike ride and probably dinner. Saturday is a pool party! Crazy, silly busy week.

I hope that all my friends here are doing well. I hope for a dreamless sleep tonight and wish the same for everyone here.