Some days are better than others

[EDF]

Sigh. Well, just did the most difficult thing I think I've ever done.

To be honest, I've been seesawing rapidly all day about how to handle her offered "reconciliation". A big part of me desperately wants to take it at face value, to believe she really is choosing me and really does want to just be friends with OM. I want to tell myself, hey I'm awesome, even if she still has feelings for him, maybe I can out-compete him. Maybe I can so wow her with the new me that she decides to break things off on her own after a time...

WW continued to act nice this evening when I got home from GAL. Excitedly told me about a dance coming up and invited me to go with her, and asked me to join her in bed so we could cuddle some.

I joined her in bed. She snuggled up a bit, caressing me... I wanted to cave so bad, or maybe at least just delay things a day or two... Sigh.

I told her I appreciated the interactions we had today, and I want us to get there, but the more I think about it... I don't see a way we'll ever truly get out of limbo while she is still in contact with her affair partner. That her wanting to maintain any sort of relationship with the guy she cheated on me with, makes me feel like whatever connection she has with him is more important to her than I am. I deserve better than that, and I am worth it. Whatever gaps he is filling, or needs he meets, if we're serious about rebuilding things we should find out how I can meet them for you.

...that was the gist of it... tried to keep it short... after I said that she said "thanks for letting me know how it makes you feel", slowly withdrew from me and said "the only need he meets is as a friend". I didn't respond; got out of bed after a couple minutes to figure out my supper.

So that's where things are at tonight. She was doing so many of the things I want her to do... things I've been desperately hoping for since BD 2.5 months ago...

For journaling/posterity purposes, she had expressed willingness to:

- See a marriage counselor
- do more activities together
- cuddle and be physical
- let me know where she is, who she's with, etc
- We send OM an email underlining that she is working on fixing things with me, and if he ever does or suggests anything more than friends that she will break contact completely
- She would allow me to meet OM face to face (this was something I had asked about rhetorically since she keeps saying they're "just friends")
- We could hang out sometimes the three of us or double-dating with OM and fiance.

Things she was resistant to:
- Reading books about relationships/healing. Stated Reason: She's "not a big reader".
- Breaking contact with OM. Reason: "just friends", and she "can be herself around him".
- Allowing me open access to her texts/emails. Reason: "she doesn't think she should have to sacrifice her privacy, and is worried I would read too much into everything".

Obviously those things she is resistant to are biggies. I understand intellectually that I did the rationale thing, and that many of the things she was willing to do are just "cake eating" that benefits her... but I kinda really miss cake...