I am realizing right now how nice and easy anger is. It's not as difficult to lose someone your so angry at.
I don't know if I am hormonal or entering the mourning phase which is just so much worse. Today is the first time I wanted my husband back in a long time. I was talking about an area husband and I once travelled to with someone and thought about him. I thought about how if he would ask, I would long to work torwards reconciliation (as long as no other woman). I know he is gone though...he has withdrawn completely.
Perhaps it was triggered from consult with lawyer. I consulted with a different attorney today and I am sick that I am going to most likely make a move that will protect me and son but feels so disloyal to husband.
And I know rationally why I should do this. I know that by leaving us he has not been loyal to me. I know that his choices and beliefs do not serve the best interests of my son. I know that he fired me and is not technically my husband. I know he will always look out for himself first.
But it still feels wrong to me and Feels like a betrayal and a disloyalty. I want so badly to call him and just be honest and talk. If I do that I will be setting myself up. I hate the lawyers and the process.
When I complain or get angry at my husband it's ok. But when an attorney or someone else seems to critique him my initial gut instinct is to stand up for him and get upset.
It's so bad because I don't have anyone to trust...lawyers have legal knowledge but not my best interest. My family has my best interest at heart but they have no legal knowledge and they are very angry.
I still want to trust husband and work with him and that's so stupid.
