I am going to break every DB rule in the books

[Accuray]

Yes of course and that's very normal. When your relationship is in a state of crisis fear runs rampant and as you'll see many folks here tend to study and evaluate everything their walkaway spouse says and internalize it as if it's a final proclamation of some sort. People say stuff all the time for every reason under the sun and half the time they don't remember they said it. No one interaction is going to make or break the situation. The issue comes from repeating the same things over and over again that obviously are not working.

I know you've been at this long enough that you're not doing that, and I also know you know what I mean from the very early stages.

I think I shared with you before that often the person walking away views the LBS as a great big dam spilling over with emotion. They are afraid that if they show any vulnerability to the LBS, that the dam will break and they'll be awash in the LBS's uncontrolled emotions. The equivalent of someone grabbing your leg and refusing to let go.

As a result, they are on high alert for any signs that the dam is going to break.

After a year and with the behavior you've been describing your wife should feel reassured that you actually can survive just fine without her, which is a relief to her in many ways. That's why I think it's much "safer" now for you to write your letter than it would have been 6-9 months ago.

Because she's seen that you can be stable on your own, she's going to feel less need to run.

One thing that does bother me is the fact that your W seems to continue to hang this 100% on you as being the one who "blew it". In any relationship there are two people, and if she was doing an amazing job of meeting your needs, you would have been much more driven to meet hers. It's great to own your own shortcomings and to make amends for them, but don't ever buy into the "it's all your fault" thinking.

Good luck Gabs I hope you get the response you're looking for.

Acc