Some days are better than others

[EDF]

Martial arts event went well. WW was friendlier than she has been in quite some time. Said some very nice things to me, and about me to other people.

I focused my energy on being there for the team, and had a number of opportunities that really ended up showcasing some of the personal changes I've made. Got some compliments from WW on my new clothes. Many kudos from teammates for various things. I broke up an imminent fight between some spectators - one of those situations where people are yelling and beating their chest and everyone is watching the trainwreck as things start to get physical. Old me would have been sitting there with everyone else, thinking "Man, I hope someone does something about this." New me jumped in to the altercation and grabbed our guy and physically moved him away from the area before things got out of control; felt good to be the one taking action when no one else was.

I did good staying upbeat, and my focus on the team allowed me to not simply be hovering around near WW or sitting alone in the hotel room. WW was initiating some unnecessary physical contact, and talking about some future things for us to do. I did fairly good at keeping it casual and not getting overly excited. There was one wavering moment where she was touching me and moved her hand to my neck and I kinda looped my arm around her waist and pulled her in... made friendly eye contact for a couple seconds, but I broke it off before I did more. I will admit I was very tempted to start some sort of R talk, but I was able to resist that.

Last night, she initiated an R talk. She expressed interest in fixing things and willingness to do some things to build something better, but it was not yet "I will do whatever it takes to win you back." I did a lot of listening, but I probably still did more talking than I should have. In retrospect I think I would have been better off just saying things like "You were the one who was uncertain, what do you think us moving forward would look like?" and be more aloof rather than answering her questions.

GAL activities have me pretty booked the next couple nights, so we probably won't talk much more until Friday. She has been friendly today, texting, sent me a date night idea, concert idea, etc... kinda blowing up my phone. Some of her actions have been positive but the way she talks about things I feel like she still considers my emotional unavailability was almost as bad as her EA and she is resisting breaking contact with "just friends" OM, so clearly has further to go.

Truthfully my part of things was pretty bad, and it went on for a long time. I accept responsibility for that, but our M certainly wasn't all bad, she sees how dramatically I have changed over the past few months, and I'm not interested in simply slipping back into a half-arse relationship on either of our parts so I know I need to move slow, ignore her words, and observe her actions. What she's offering is not yet the kind of "reconciliation" I want to see.