darknes - thanks. Agh, I really love that lady and it kills me that there is now a 'wall' between me and her.
Also some new developments for me in my efforts to GAL. I got my guitar back, going to be playing a lot and I'll be going to a songwriters meetup group I've been interested in for a while next week. An old friend from high school who I haven't seen in years has messaged me and asked to meet up for coffee. I've been taking some online training to bone up on some technical skills for work, that would also help me develop my side software business.
Also continuing with journaling, meditation, 12 steps, working out etc.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
I don't know your mother in law, qt4, but my wife is acting exactly like her mom when faced with similar problems during her marriage. I never liked my MIL but I loved my wife. Now my MIL and my wife have become the same and I am better off not talking to both of them. I am glad that my wife gave me a PPO at this point. It prevents me to have any kind of communication with her which is the right thing to do, and I am not sure that I would have done it without the PPO. When my wife is ready to talk to me again, she will have the PPO removed and she will contact me, and hopefully at that point she will be the woman that I married again and I loved for 10 years.
I don't know your mother in law, qt4, but my wife is acting exactly like her mom when faced with similar problems during her marriage. I never liked my MIL but I loved my wife. Now my MIL and my wife have become the same and I am better off not talking to both of them. I am glad that my wife gave me a PPO at this point. It prevents me to have any kind of communication with her which is the right thing to do, and I am not sure that I would have done it without the PPO. When my wife is ready to talk to me again, she will have the PPO removed and she will contact me, and hopefully at that point she will be the woman that I married again and I loved for 10 years.
How long is the order in effect? Maybe you can relay some message to her through family or friends - a DB coach would be able to help you word a 'letter of apology' that may help her soften and talk to you.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
Hi Qt4, I think that apologizing and begging would make things worse. I did apologize to my daughter tho and that felt right. If you get dumped, no matter if you are married with children or not, you do not contact your partner. She has to be the one to contact you and put effort in restoring the relationship.
Quick update. Picked up daughter to take her to school. I asked W to bring down my guitar so I could mess around on it. She came down with my S and D. Face to face interaction - respectful, poised, cordial. This is when she tells me my MIL will be in town and I may see her on Friday’s drop off of kids.
Later in the day - text msgs from wife informing of typo in my passport that was sent to the house. Arranged to meet tomorrow to pick up paperwork so I could go to the passport office and take care of it. Also arranged pickup of kids tomorrow. Communication was smooth.
I don’t know, but I feel good about the way I’ve been conducting myself. I feel like I’m projecting confidence and poise around her. Have the kids for the next two nights, going to take them to play with my cousin’s kids tonight, then another birthday dinner tomorrow for one of their friends. Been meditating, attending 12 step meetings, been focusing on work a lot the past week. Stayed up late to get a project done for a meeting today, feel like work situation is stabilizing and generally good.
I’m seeing my personal therapist who I’ve been seeing for the past 12 years, I’m seeing a DB coach every week or two. Considering seeing a ‘life coach’ at some point or a ‘career coach’. I want to really double down at work and really define what I need to do to get to where I really want to be in terms of my career. In general my career is going very well. I’ve been really killing it you might say, the past couple years and am pretty much on track for a promotion. I want to really go heads down and go for the promotion this year, and to also look into other things I could do to improve my finances (which are generally pretty good right now) - such as what I can do to develop my side mobile app business, and other things I can do investment wise.
Your ex has given you a gift - the gift of TIME. I can use it to sit around and mope. Or I can take this gift of time and personal freedom to focus on things I want to improve.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
The no contact rule has exceptions. If you have kids, like I do, it's ok to talk about them and to have minimum contact, which I am allowed to do. Other than that I would pretty much not contact her and if she contacts you, I would keep the talking short with short sentences like "Yeah, that's fine, I gotta go", "No problem, let's talk about it another time". You are going to give two opposite messages at two opposite times. By your actions you will be saying "I don't need you" and at opposite times you will be telling everyone else, especially your kids "She is a great person".
Not only time - the gift is TIME, freedom, space, and EMOTION. This is a powerful, highly charged emotional time in your life. These emotions you’re experiencing - now that the love of your life is slipping away from you. They are a powerful motivational force if you channel them correctly. You can buckle under the pressure or you can channel this negative energy into developing yourself and taking big action. You have a freedom available to you now that you did not have when you were in the relationship. You can squander this freedom - or you can use this time to become the man you always wanted to be.
This heartbreak you’re going through right now is valuable - it is a power motivating force for change that you would not have any other way. Some days will be very bad, you won’t want to get out of bed some days, you’ll feel like you made the biggest mistake of your life. But shift your perspective - there’s so much emotion in you right now, you can use this emotion to propel you into action. Use this energy to transform yourself into the best you possible. Someday you will realize this experience was necessary, and was a wake up to a totally new reality.
Think about this shift in your thinking - away from ‘I messed up, will she take me back’ - to ‘I’m glad this happened, it’s painful but it’s triggered something powerful in me that I’m determined to use to become a better person’.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
I am becoming a better person. I got rid of that bit of negativity that I had before. I want to be the best possible father and a person that my wife would want to be around. Having said that, there is only so much we can do and there is so much damage our spouse can do.
Yesterday I got this doozy of a text msg conversation. A little background. I started withdrawing a lot of money from our shared business account for rent while I’m living outside the house, and lawyers fees. I think the impetus for this txt msg convo is that she is starting to realize how the D will affect her financially, and she is trying to railroad me into selling the house now to split the equity 50/50. My lawyer has advised me that the D negotiations can go on for more than a year - and not to make any major financial decisions at this time. I will be following my Ls advice and I will not discuss any major financial stuff like this with my W.
W: I wanted to work out our visitation schedule after cancun and figure out the housing situation- id like to find a less expensive place and get the kids settled before school starts. I would like to list the house and split the equity. I was going to say you can stay there until it sells or after i find a place.
Me: That is a lot to process and I'd like to think about it for a while before responding. This is honestly going so fast and I want to think about things before responding
W: I totally understand, but the south loop is super expensive and i dont see how we can maintain two households there. Id like to have a plan well before the kids are in school so theyll have an easier transition and also think the house will sell for more in the summer. This would alleviate a lot of financial stress. I would be fine with you staying there, too. It is fast, but i want to be a ble to do whats best for them, and it is too much for me to afford.
Me: These are such huge life changes I need to think I can't believe ur trying to discuss this over txt I don't mean to sound accusatory either I understand u have very valid perspective on things
W: Yes, but i do not want to have to move them during the school year or sell in the winter- i wish youd talk to your lawyer about this. I want to do whats best for them.
Me: I’m sorry I can't talk about this now especially over freaking text message. I know you are trying to do the right thing for hr kids and u have very valid reasons for everything you are doing right now I also appreciate you are trying to be fair w me too.
W: I am. I know it [censored]. Lets make it as reasonable as possible.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
