V, Zephyr, Juju, SH, all of your advice is priceless, thank you so much for providing moral support and some 2x4's.
I have a meeting with atty this week, to try to get my approach and path figured out for the support issues. I think it is going to be a battle.
Last week in FF#1's absence, and spending time with my kids, I felt stronger as the week progressed. Still felt some withdrawals, and felt it get worse Friday since I knew FF#1 would be returning that day. Noted for future reference.
Saturday, had an event to go to with a bunch of relatives, brought the kids, and it went well. During the event, I brought D9 and a couple of my younger cousins to the adjacent park, that was fun. Hung out in the camper quite a bit with the kids.
Sunday, brought the kids to a beach with a friend and his D9. Ran into a classmate from college and talked to him for a while.
Monday, after the kids went back to xW, FF#1 came to my parents' house, spur of the moment decision. She met my parents and brother, they got along well. We went for a short ride. Then watched a movie together, we had intelligent conversations about the movie, laughed at the same parts, sat close to each other, talked more after the movie. I never connected with xW like that.
I have plans for Saturday with a group.... I invited FF#1 to join me.
I am learning a lot from FF#1:
- First of all, to communicate with someone on my same maturity level is an incredible feeling. Friends have told me since xW left that I'll see that life will actually be better without xW. I didn't believe them, but am starting to see it now. My IC mentioned that why xW was always jealous when I talked to another female, is because I was able to have mature conversations on a level xW wasn't able to have. During the M, the thought of security with xW, even though it wasn't that good, was more important than ending it to look for someone who is a better match for me.
- Next, I can feel and identify my "neediness," and my attempts to fulfill those needs in an unhealthy way, almost real time. I think about or look at FF#1, think about how nice it would be to have someone, notice the need, and make a conscious decision to just keep my hands to myself!
- Respect for someone else's (FF#1's in this case) boundaries. FF#1 has made it clear she is not ready to start a new R. My "needs" drives me to think about ways to push things along faster, wanting to reach out and hold her hand, to cuddle just a little closer, to put my arm around her, wonder about going in for the kiss.... Yep, I had those thoughts, and I withheld the advances for all the reasons listed above.
It isn't easy to not act on those needs, it's quite frustrating in fact. But it is the right thing to do. I am sure the same thing would have been a problem for me if xW came back and had no remorse, or hadn't done the work, I would have let her come back too easily.
