Moving on

[J5K]

Painter,

I wish I had some words of comfort for you. All I can say is I am starting to get numb to this whole incident. I hope that some day we all find the happiness we deserve to have.

(((Painter)))

[Painter]

I hope so, too, Jim!

Phoebe, just a quick thought - some photos you can download and get info off - like GPS coordinates...

[Phoebe]

good thinking, Painter. Thank you for that reminder.

[Painter]

Long, restless night with not much sleep - feel asleep late and was awake in the middle of the night. The last part I spent telling H off (dream).

I had a realization last night that threw me for a loop. The deceit about OW started already in 2011. I've known this, but didn't really put 2+2 together until now.

H told me in 2011 that an old colleague had contacted him on Facebook. The way he acted was a little bit off - he sounded really shocked that she had contacted him, and he looked at me sideways a little - it's hard to explain but in retrospect I realize he was very aware that he was withholding information and he was gauging my reaction.

He didn't tell me at the time that he had fallen for her the moment he saw her (1983), or that she had cheated on her then partner with H but didn't want to continue the affair.

H went on to marry (exW before me) and OW moved away.

I sent H an e-mail last night. I have written many that I didn't send, but I realized that I have been concerned about telling him how I really feel because I didn't want to lose contact. So I replied to his latest and told him that I was heartbroken that I put my trust in him and that it pains me to have to admit that he is probably not a good person. Because good people don't teach their kids to lie, they don't deceive and cheat on their wives for 5 years and break families apart to get what they want. If they hurt someone, they try to find a way to make up for it, and stop doing whatever the hurtful behavior is.

I don't know why it sometimes takes me so long to realize it when people are not nice to me. I really want to work on that. It's not the first time I've noticed it.

[qt4x11]

I'm sorry you are going through this sitch, it sounds horrible. All I can say is you are way nicer person than I am. I would probably have cut all contact (an A is all I would need to detach).

[Painter]

Thanks, QT - you know I would have thought so myself, until it happened. And it may not be because I'm a nice person, maybe I'm just way too dependent on H.

[Phoebe]

Painter, you're just normal. I don't think that we can know our own limits until they are tested.

I'm sorry that you have put a couple more puzzle pieces together and the picture they revealed isn't a pretty one. I can relate only too well to that.

I hope that you are able to get a better night's sleep tonight. I hope it's dr aimless.

[Painter]

Thanks, Phoebe - since the board has been so inaccessible, that post was actually about the night before last, but yesterday and last night were also bad. 4 hours of on and off crying before I was able to sleep at 3am. It's crazy - at times I cry so much I feel dehydrated! I never thought crying was an activity that might warrant Gatorade...

Doing much better tonight, though, I had a productive work day and went to figure drawing studio tonight, and although I didn't feel great and only stayed half the alloted time, I was quite happy with what I did and felt accomplished when I left.

Son and I went for a walk with the dog when I got home, then picked up a few groceries. For some reason, I feel completely calm tonight. I have no idea why. I just feel... normal. I try to not think too much about it, just enjoy the respite. Maybe the body just takes over when it becomes too much so we can get a break?

[Phoebe]

I am so happy to hear that, Painter! I've had a good day, today, too, and I also am feeling much more like myself than I have since December.

Crying just has gotten so old, and while I still do it fairly often, including each of the previous two days when I worked on my grief recovery stuff, but today was a no-tears day. I like those.

Maybe it's a fluke, or maybe it's a trend. I have no idea, but I've been happy with every moment of this new-found normalcy. I have been laughing and smiling all day long, having fun with friends and family, being active, thrift shopping, and enjoying my critter, and it has felt really, really good. Thoughts of H haven't been making me either sad or angry today, they just leave me shaking my head at the absurdity of it all.

I hope that we both continue to have more of these normal days.

Sleep well, lovely Painter!

[Painter]

That is so strange that we have such similar days!

I have maintained my calm the entire day today. Did a lot of cleaning around the house this morning, and worked in the afternoon.

I saw my IC today and told her about it, that I'm almost afraid to do anything in case I start feeling the pain again, but we agreed that it's helpful even if it doesn't last because it gives me an experience of what I most likely will feel permanently in the future.

Maybe my body just needed to shut down temporarily to protect me, or the realization of how it all happened gave me acceptance. I'd like to know because I'm curious like a cat!

Hope you have a good night's sleep!