Moving on

[Painter]

Long, restless night with not much sleep - feel asleep late and was awake in the middle of the night. The last part I spent telling H off (dream).

I had a realization last night that threw me for a loop. The deceit about OW started already in 2011. I've known this, but didn't really put 2+2 together until now.

H told me in 2011 that an old colleague had contacted him on Facebook. The way he acted was a little bit off - he sounded really shocked that she had contacted him, and he looked at me sideways a little - it's hard to explain but in retrospect I realize he was very aware that he was withholding information and he was gauging my reaction.

He didn't tell me at the time that he had fallen for her the moment he saw her (1983), or that she had cheated on her then partner with H but didn't want to continue the affair.

H went on to marry (exW before me) and OW moved away.

I sent H an e-mail last night. I have written many that I didn't send, but I realized that I have been concerned about telling him how I really feel because I didn't want to lose contact. So I replied to his latest and told him that I was heartbroken that I put my trust in him and that it pains me to have to admit that he is probably not a good person. Because good people don't teach their kids to lie, they don't deceive and cheat on their wives for 5 years and break families apart to get what they want. If they hurt someone, they try to find a way to make up for it, and stop doing whatever the hurtful behavior is.

I don't know why it sometimes takes me so long to realize it when people are not nice to me. I really want to work on that. It's not the first time I've noticed it.