Thank you both for replying. Sotto, I agree with what you are saying completely.

I had a bad dream last night. You know those vivid dreams that when you wake up it feels as if it's really happening? In the dream I was watching H and some woman growing out an attraction. I could not tell if we were married or together, but it felt as if we were separated, and as if he felt he could do what he wanted. I was struggling with what to do and how to get through to him that he was going to have an A and he completely shrugged and dismissed me. I felt completely powerless. I knew the A was going to happen and that while H was present and being a Nice Guy, he was checked out and withdrawn.

When I woke up this morning I could barely look at him. Even though it was only a dream, those feelings are not unfamiliar. The entire time that EA was going on, and maybe years before, my H had boundary issues with women. Women always felt comfortable around him, talking to him, and opening up to him. He, being the Nice Guy and people pleaser, was present and attentive to these women. He didn't flirt or pursue them, but he was too available and then the friendships got blurry and they would pursue him. Only the one led to an actual A. So there the history began. And even before there was any A happening, I called him out on it and asked him to put up boundaries, and he never understood. It was terribly painful.

I'm rambling I guess. At the moment I am feeling somewhat numb. I do trust that H has learned from his mistakes and has changed. I think I just need more time to find myself and what makes me feel happy and secure. I certainly don't need that from him or any man. While we could work on the M, go back to MC, or really put more effort forth, I think right now I just need to honor myself more. I don't have it in me at the moment.

I am not going to let my M fall apart, but I still feel like I owe it to myself to detach further. I can't imagine feeling close to someone when I haven't learned to be happy on my own first. Plus we tried that already--there were many ups and intimate moments, but there were just as many painful ones.

Thanks for reading.
-Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela