The Unpleasantness

[qt4x11]

I’m detaching. I’m losing hope. Are they the same thing, or related? Too much BS has happened in such a short amount of time. She’s put up so many walls. I’m out of the house and only see my kids 50% of the time. Our families and friends are divided. She’s filed for D. There are Ls involved, I’m worrying about stuff like custody and finances. What else do I need to accept this is happening? I should just accept it - fully - as something that just happens in life. I still have guilt, but I am processing my guilt too. I did a lot to cause this - but I also have tried to apologize, change and make it better. So if this is happening, it’s her choice. You can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do. Trying to do so - it’s not right, it’s unhealthy.

Better to just let it go. If it’s really going to happen, just learn from it - become a better person. Even if you have to do that without her. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel sad, that’s only natural. ‘You don’t want this for your kids’, ‘You don’t believe in divorce’ - but what can you do? This D - it’s her decision, she put it in motion. I love her enough to let her go if that’s her choice. The other side is what does the future hold? I think I have had trouble detaching because I feel trepidation for a future without her, and I miss our old life. I am able to detach more and more because I don’t fear that future so much. It will be different. I find myself thinking less about the MR - and more about the future, what I can become, I’m even a little excited about it.