Pathway Change

[roist]

First off. Well done for getting this far. You have done well.

I have never pieced nor worked with my W to rebuild our M, so anything I say is based purely on stuff I read and my observations here.

Reconciliation is apparently v tough esp on lbs. Because up until then the lbs has kept his inner emotions, feelings and thoughts out of the mix. The lbs has focused their motivation on saving the M and the first stage in that continues until the other person comes back to the table and wants in.

A general guideline used is that piecing should last roughly one month for every year married/together. So this is a slow process too and I think that is best. Go too fast and you may not fully work through everything and if issues are not solved, they can come back to haunt you.

Do not let WW back in the blink of an eye. There aremany good reasons including, she knows her coming back is not automatic and you get yo decide the timeframe, not her. Also it gives you time to confirm her intention is real and not just a fluctuating emotion. Her actions need to show you consistently and without doubt she wants back. And also you need time to prepare your conditions and to prepare yourself mentally.Until now you have shield your emotions. Both of ye will have issues that need to be addressed together.

Some advise to tackle hers first as she was the one that left. I think that makes sense up to a certain point. The more she is convinced it can be a better M, the more likely she is going to stick the tough times.

Buy the lbs has been so hurt since BD, that often resentment, anger and other negative emotions naturally rise to the surface. These will have to be dealt with but firstly they need to be controlled enough to not sabotage yet efforts. I am far from saying to ignore your feelings/needs, but wanted to share my perspective.
What has happened cannot or should not be swept under the carpet and I feel the emphasis is on WAS to demonstrate real remorse and effort to right this. This does not deminish the task you face personally.

One thing to avoid is to go in with an attitude of RIGHT and WRONG.

Also don't exclusively focus on issues/problems. Work towards building s better M and not fixing a broken one.

Best wishes