First Buds

[mustardseed]

Thanks V. Found the page.

I am pissed tonight. In the British way and in the American way. I think I know what it feels like to be a man who holds things in.

I feel that kind of rage.

I think I handled myself beautifully handsomely. I didn't say everything I wish I had said. I held my tongue. And it makes me want to kill someone with my bare hands. I never really understood this feeling of rage before, but I guess that is what men feel when they just listen without speaking. It is unhealthy. I went for a run to wear it off. Didn't quite work. I need to talk to someone, not text or email or post, but to actually speak it.

I regret not saying what I wish I said. I am sure it is better in the long term that i didn't, but in the short term I am absolutely sure that holding it in and feeling this rage took a year off my life. I need some vocal spew. Karaoke might help. I hate that friends only want to text. I need to talk, to feel the words in my brain come up through my throat. I hate being silent!