Did Not See It

[doodler]

I am really trying to DB, but it seems pointless to better myself and GAL if she isn’t around to see the improvements I’m doing for myself.

[RDS]

I don't get it.

[Zephyr]

he is perhaps trying to point out the flaw in your logic...if reread the highlighted post it is glaring.

the change IS for YOU.
GAL is for you.
GOALS are set for your path and improvement.

she has nothing to do with any of that.
well, she shouldn't otherwise it is just another gimmick or ploy and not worth your effort.

RDS, this is not easy...to look at yourself and say i want to be better For ME, and to do it as a lifestyle change because let's be honest most of the guys get here do not believe we are worth it.

guess what, you are worth all the effort you can muster and more.

[RDS]

I know I have a flaw in my logic as far as the GAL.

My problem is, I was GAL before my wife left me. I gained a lot of weight over the years and I put my mind to losing weight. I lost 80 pounds in about 7 months and 18 months later I've still kept it off. My W did buy me smaller clothes but she would comment that I was getting too skinny. I'm 6' and weigh 195 so I wouldn't be considered skinny. I did do that for myself and I hoped she would appreciate it but I never got the vibe she liked me better with the weight loss.

I used to be a joe 6-pack kind of guy and I drastically cut down on my beer intake. My W never complained about my beer drinking. In fact she used to buy me the beer. I cut out the beer for me, but if she noticed she never said anything. Every once in awhile she would comment, "Oh, you're not having a beer?" That would annoy me because by then it had been about 3 months since I drank one and I got the impression she didn't remember I had stopped drinking or she didn't think I would still to it.

I also started to exercise. When I started I barely walked a mile but I got up to running 5 miles a day. I haven't ran in a few days because my motivation just isn't there. Again, she didn't say anything about it. Now that I look back on it I think she had already checked out of the marriage and didn't care what I did.

I have done a few more things that would be considered GAL, and I did those for me, but I would have liked to have seen some kind of positive light from my her, but I never did see any appreciation.

Now, through my IC, I am working to improve my outlook on life by eliminating my resentment and calming my anger. I can feel it working, and it is a more refreshing feeling. I've also joinged a couple of social groups to get me out of the house, so that is a big step for me. I just hoped that I would have gotten some kind of feedback from her.

That's why I really hope to get the telephone coaching if my finances work out okay. I would like to hear from someone here on the board and give me a blow-by-blow of how it went.

[RDS]

One thing I forgot to mention, my wife did text me a "Happy Father's Day" message. I was around noon when she did it and I was in the middle of scrubbing the shower stall. I was depressed in the morning and the text did brighten my mood for a couple of hours. I waited for about 2 1/2 hours before replying with a thank you text. I thought that was better than when she texted me on my birthday wishing me a happy birthday (with associated emojis). I responded immediately then. I was just so happy that she at least had a little feeling for me to wish me a happy birthday. My birthday was about 3 weeks after the BD so to get anything thing from her was a blessing IMO.

[MoveFrwd]

I hoped she would appreciate it

That would annoy me because I got the impression she didn't remember or she didn't think I would still to it.

she didn't say anything about it.

I never did see any appreciation.

I just hoped that I would have gotten some kind of feedback from her.

These are all things that you wrote in your last post. The point of getting a life isnt to get feedback from her. The point is this:

I can feel it working, and it is a more refreshing feeling.

Nobody wants to be with a grump-@ss. Nobody wants to be with someone who is down all of the time. No one wants to BE down all of the time. And going out and getting a life for yourself has so many benefits! Most importantly, it's to teach you about your own value...that you are worthy of happiness.

Stop doing everything with an eye on her. It isnt about her feedback right now.

[RDS]

Nobody wants to be with a grump-@ss. Nobody wants to be with someone who is down all of the time. No one wants to BE down all of the time. And going out and getting a life for yourself has so many benefits! Most importantly, it's to teach you about your own value...that you are worthy of happiness.

Stop doing everything with an eye on her. It isnt about her feedback right now.

I know exactly what you're talking about. I've dealt with it before where I would run like the wind to get away from people who are always down in the dumps. My two coworkers are like that now and it's even more depressing being around them and at the end of the day I am exhausted.

When my W and I were together I remained grumpy because I think I wanted to "punish" her. As I said earlier, the joke is on me and she has so far given me the ultimate punishment.

I know for a fact if I was the one who left I would be happier and I think that's what hurts. She called my bluff and now I have to look in the mirror and see how stupid I was. It took a 2x4 to knock some sense into me and I hope and pray that it isn't too late.

[RDS]

I just got off the phone with my W. We talked for nearly an hour. We did not talk about our R. We didn’t even sniff the topic. It’s the first time we had any meaningful conversation since May 5 (and even that was small talk as she took me to the airport). I had her call me because I had some questions about our Care Credit card. I did not want to get into a texting conversation. I'm okay texting back and forth for a couple of times but then I want to talk. It's not just her, but everyone. I needed some answers about the credit card. I had never used it and I'm going in for some dental work tomorrow (my tooth is killing me as I type this) and I wanted to know how the whole thing works.

Anyway, I asked her to call me and she responded she would call me "in a few". This was about noon. I waited and waited as a few minutes turned into an hour, and then it was a few hours more. I didn't get mad (two months ago I would have). I knew she was working with her big boss and when her big boss is in town she gets very busy. I also knew my D had texted my W about something and my W didn’t answer back so I really knew she was occupied.

My wife called about 4:45 PM and I was on my other phone so when I answered I told her I would call her back. I called her back about 15 minutes later. It was a very pleasant conversation. As I said there was no talk about our R. I let her do all the talking about the Care Card, her job, and my D’s new dog. I kept trying to end the call (not very forcibly I will admit) but another topic would come up. It almost seemed like the calls we used to have when I was on the road years ago. At least it was like the old times except no ILY at the end. I didn’t even think of saying that to her because I knew that would be the kiss of death. We both had lots of genuine laughs during the call. I kept thinking to myself I was really interested in what she had to say but two months ago I would be looking at my watch or surfing the web while I talked to her because I would be bored. There would be no way I would have been able to stay on the phone for 10 minutes, let alone for nearly an hour.

Towards the end there was a few tidbits that came out about what I was doing around the house to make it more for “me”. I did mention how I converted our office back into an office and the breakfast nook back into a breakfast nook. She seemed a little envious, but I might be reading too much into that. She did seem a little ashamed when I told her I spent most of Father’s day cleaning the bathrooms. She said it must have taken a long time to clean the master bathroom. I somewhat downplayed it by saying it didn’t take that long and I caught myself from blurting out, “You should see it now.” I did not want to put her on the defensive.

Before I read the DR and read this forum I probably would have been a blithering idiot by trying to apologize, telling her I changed, telling her ILY, and anything else to convince her to give me one more change. Of course, without the DR or this forum I would have already done all those things weeks ago.

I know she ILYBNILWY, but at least she can still tolerate talking to me about things in her life. That’s a start IMO.

[RDS]

Just as I figured my W has "hired" one of her lawyer friends to be her ATTY to settle the spousal support and the settlement paperwork for the D if there is one. If there are sticking points I will be at a disadvantage because I can't afford to prolong anything while my W will have a semi-free ATTY to help her out. My wife can barter her services to her ATTY and the ATTY is semi-retired so she isn’t in it for the money anymore. Well, as much as an ATTY can’t be involved for money.

So I was bummed out today because now I’m thinking of nothing but my financial situation and the idea I really could lose my W. I don’t want to pay my W anything while we are separated, but if I’m ordered to pay her some kind of support I will (obviously). I just don’t want to get raked over the coals while we are separated. Since we’ve been married so long I know I’m going to lose a lot in the divorce and my long term plans will be up in smoke. I also couldn't think straight because my tooth was hurting.

I had a root canal this afternoon and I texted my wife that I was glad we had the Care Card to pay for my root canal. She asked how much it cost and I told her. I then asked her how it gets paid since there are now technically 3 different balances on the card. She called and we went over everything. Just like yesterday it was a very cordial and entertaining talk and there was no talk of our R at all. The only talk about my future was when a couple of things about the house came up and I said I was not making any long term plans about the house.

Towards the end of the conversation she did say she hoped my tooth felt better and I inadvertently told her I did too because I was going to a new social group tonight. I could hear and almost feel her being taken aback. I also told her I was going to another social group Friday. When she gathered her composure she said she was happy for me. I also told her I was going to counseling. She then responded that we should have gone to MC before and I told her this wasn’t MC but IC to work on my issues. I told her not to think less of me. She told me she won’t and repeated she was happy for me.

As I am writing this I just got a text from her and she repeated she doesn’t think less of me but in fact she is more proud of me.

At least she knows that is one way I’m bettering myself. Was it a bad idea to let her know I was going to IC?

[MoveFrwd]

"We should have gone to MC"

"Yes, you're probably right."


Why say more?