Did Not See It

[RDS]

Yesterday was Sunday and I hate Sundays, and as usual I am hurting, again more now than the rest of the week. It’s been 6 weeks to the day since I came home (Mother’s Day) and found my W of 31+ years had emptied our house and moved out. I’m no longer in a fog as I was the first few days but I can’t shake the emptiness and hurt I’ve been in since then. I still have no idea where she lives. I only know where she works. I am trying to detach but living in this house has so many memories built in I just can’t escape her.

I spent yesterday (Father’s Day) cleaning the master bathroom and the secondary bathroom. My W was the only one who used the master bathroom. I started using the secondary bathroom a few years ago because our schedule in the morning conflicted with us using the same bathroom so I started using the secondary bathroom while she continued using the master bathroom. It was easier that way. I used to be the one who “deep cleaned” the bathrooms every couple of months. I was able to give the elbow grease to get the bathrooms sparkling. My W would keep her bathroom clean but I was the one who scrubbed it to a military spit shine. Over the last couple of years my W stopped caring about her bathroom. It got to be disgusting (as the rest of the house) and I wouldn’t even go in there. Well, today I decided I was going to clean the master bathroom just as I used to do. It took me hours and I finally got the bathroom to showroom quality. I kept thinking if only my W could see it now. She used to get so happy when I would clean the bathroom as only as I could.

I served my W a spousal support decree 27 days ago. The decree said the W will support herself and I will support myself. I don’t know how she is going to respond to the papers. She told my D she couldn’t afford a L but my W knows a lot of people, including a few lawyers, so I will not be surprised if she comes up with a counter argument that I will have to pay her a significant amount of money to support her while we are separated. I mention this because I really want to do the telephone coaching. I have budgeted the money to pay for it but only if I am not ordered to pay money for my W upkeep. I am reading the DR book and a lot of the items in the book I’m trying to follow, but there are so many questions I have that I can’t figure out on my own.

As I said, it’s been 6 weeks since she walked away and I can count on 2 hands how many text messages we’ve exchanged and I’ve only talked to her twice for a total of maybe 6 minutes. I am really trying to DB, but it seems pointless to better myself and GAL if she isn’t around to see the improvements I’m doing for myself. I know I’m supposed to do this to better myself and not concern myself on how she feels, and I will admit the small steps I’m doing makes me feel better but I still want my W to at least see I’m trying.

All the people I know have told me repeatedly that I am way better off if I stay away from my W. They just can’t see why I would want to stay with her. Even my IC expressed surprise when I told her I still wanted to say married to my W. My W has always been headstrong and most people would consider her a royal Bitch, and she was, but with me she was so loving and gave me her heart without hesitation.

Has anybody posting tried the telephone coaching and was it worth the price? I’m thinking of doing the 3 session package.