New to Site - Just found about another

[Zues126]

Cristy,
What are the vets views on seeing/texting other women at this time to help me detach? I have been just as a confidence booster to help me realize that there is life after D and that I can find someone eventually.

This is the worst idea in the world. I would rather you tell us that you planned on using heroin in moderation to get through. Seriously.

How many reasons? Here are just a few.

1) Don't burn bridges. While your M is close to doomed, you never want to look back and wonder what would have happened if you played your cards differently. Back in 1999 my mom told my dad she wasn't sure if she wanted to stay married, she thought she wanted a divorce. She is a teacher and had a 6 month sabbatical and said that she would let it sit until she returned. They had plans to take a hiking vacation with my dad after she returned to do some talking. When she got back she called him to set that up, and he said "I have something I need to tell you. I have a girlfriend." Needless to say they never had the opportunity. The funny part is that my dad thinks my mom initiated the divorce, yet my mom thinks of him as the one that abandoned the relationship without giving it a chance. Either way, they have been divorced now for 16 years.

2) You don't have a chance to heal. When you separate there is a gaping hole in your life. That causes pain. You want to fill that up with something healthy. That is why we tell you to GAL. GAL gives you the opportunity to find new ways to fill your needs, validate yourself, form a new identity for the new life you have. If you shovel garbage into that hole it just puts off doing the work which you'll pay for later. You won't grow stronger.

3) It doesn't stop the pain. It causes more. Because you don't heal or grow, you are setting yourself up for more pain. People that rebound suffer cataclysmic losses when their rebound breaks up, it's the compounded losses of the new relationship on top of the old wounds which it rips open again. Not only that, it hurts the people you are connecting with. Many women that say they understand you want to move slow or aren't ready for anything serious think that in their head, but should you R with your W, or should you realize you're really not ready for anything serious then it will hurt the other person. You are really using them selfishly.

4) Rebounds don't last. There is a reason for that. When you're lonely and in pain, anyone seems like a savior. So you can cling to someone and think she is your angel. 2 years later you're doing better, and you realize you want more in your relationship. This goes back to causing pain.

5) You aren't learning to be appreciative for what you have. You talk about being stronger vs. being needy...but you want someone to hold you and comfort you and validate you, and you talk a lot about someone in the future. You need to learn to find joy in your life unconditionally. What if God told you that not only was your M over, you'd never have the relationship you wanted. Could you accept that and find some peace and happiness? You need to get to that point, otherwise you will bring a lot of expectation, open wounds, and suffering into your next relationship, which is another reason rebounds are doomed. Bottom line, if you can't find joy in your life as is, a woman won't save you.

6) You are a married man. The thought of other women is CRAZY talk. You are MARRIED. Personally I am a strong believer in Dr. Joy Browne's "1 year rule", which states that you wait a MINIMUM of 1 YEAR after the DIVORCE is FINAL. She states it is not separation date, or the last day you made love, or when you moved out, or when you consulted a lawyer. She says that it is a year after the divorce is actually finalized. And she says that is the absolute minimum, and anything shy of that is reckless and destructive. My IC believes it is a 3-5 year process to heal from a divorce, and I agree with this as well, I'm 2 years from BD and 6 months from the inked divorce and I still cried on my way to work this morning after a tough day yesterday. I'm not ready.

But, if you want to break the 1 year rule (and it was amazing the % of her callers cited problems that stemmed with breaking this rule), if you really want to rebound, at least wait until the D is final. Because here's the thing...if you date while you're married, you are committing adultery the same as her. Oh, you can say 'she cheated first', or 'I wouldn't have if she hadn't have...', but that's the same perverted logic that she is using on why she is cheating on you. I'm sure in her mind 'she wouldn't have if you didn't...' or 'if you did ___'. It's wrong. It's wrong. It's wrong. What she does or doesn't do doesn't change what's right or wrong, and it's wrong for a married man to date.

Now a lot of people on these forums will tell you that it's ok to date at various stages, and that's fine. Everyone can have their own opinion. This is a DB forum and MWD doesn't speak specifically to dating post BD or post D (although I wish she would, because I think most people are way out of line on this). So no one is crossing MWD here. But just like there are people that will explain why it's ok to rebound, the WAS's have a lot of friends and family that support them on why it's ok to get a divorce in the first place, or any of the other selfish decisions they make. You can either make up your mind on what you want and then find people that help you rationalize it, or you can follow your beliefs.