Happy fathers day to all you LBHs out there. Thanks for checking in guys.
Things may be going better, but life can still be challenging. That said, I have a better skill set to get through it.
Yesterday my pool league finished up and had our season end tournament. Winner gets an expense trip to the year end tournament in vegas with a shot at some decent money. My team is pretty much a dead lock to win the tournament, but you never can take those things lightly. All it takes is one bad set. So I got pretty fired up and played my hardest, we won pretty handily but it was fun to get my blood flowing and play some good pool. I love competing. It's a good channel for my intensity. It's like I take all of my frustration and anger, pain and hurt, and just turn it all into this center of the sun hot smoldering fury that I use to will my way through any adversity between me and the finish line, and everything in the world fades away and I can just totally zone out. So that was nice.
My dad came over to visit and we had a good evening. He said he was having breakfast with my sister and asked if I would join. He has been applying a bit of pressure for me to reconnect with her, and this has been hard for me. I have no desire to. But nor do I want to escalate a blood feud in my family. At times I really resented my father pressuring me, and felt like explaining that I might never talk to my sister again and if he couldn't respect he could join her on the 'dead to me list' too real quick...but this is where I have grown. I just shrugged, took a breath, and reminded myself that while that's how I feel, feelings are just feelings, and they don't get to steer my ship. It was father's day after all, and the least I can do is accept this invite, and I do believe that was the right thing to do. So I joined them for breakfast, and we spent a couple of hours together, and it was fine. I am not interested in getting any closer, but I don't need to start a war either.
Then I picked up my kids. It wasn't my day with them but I had them from 12-4 as it is FD. My dad and I took them to a park, then we walked down to the banks of the Mississippi River. They waded around, skipped rocks, and stuff like that. There was a log that looked a LOT like an alligator coming our way, but unfortunately I am not in FL so it was just a log. Then we went and saw Jungle Book.
Now's where it gets tough. I guess I'm an emotional guy. The internal debate and morning with my sister had some type of cost. And watching kids movies always makes me emotional, it's so predictable but I just go for it hook line and sinker. So maybe I was in a vulnerable spot. But when I dropped the kids off XW was there with her new guy and I just felt really sick. My dad asked me if I was ok after we left and I said yes, but I had a hard time concentrating on what he was talking about. The fact is that none of this is ok. And while I am doing better, I don't pretend like this will ever be ok. It is wrong, it is twisted, it is an abomination. All of the emotions of the day just took a toll, the exhaustion from fighting at work, and the anxiety about how tough my job is, and how stressed I am about it, and everything else. And how much it stinks that on Fathers Day, when I had this wonderful experience with my kids, it had to be tainted with this horrible nightmarish experience and be reminded that my life is permanently crippled. I was pretty bottomed out for while.
But again, I've learned a bit. I knew these were just feelings, and they'd pass. So after my dad left I played some chess and relaxed for a bit, and calmed down. I'm ok again. It will be fine. I'm still a bit emotional. I still have powerful negative feelings towards XW, sister, divorce, and anyone that wants to rug sweep the perversion it is. But that is part of being human. I also have my DB friends, my chess game (soon to be my pool table!), and some good friends that deeply care for me. Oh, and my kids are coming back tomorrow and Tuesday, then Friday-Wednesday of next week, because they live here now. So screw all of them, I'm letting it go and going back to appreciating my blessings.
Cliff notes- Divorce stinks eternally Feelings aren't always fun but are no big deal We all have plenty to be appreciative of so focus on that DB forums are one of those things because I am not sharing this with anyone else. Thank you guys.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
