Uncharted Waters

[2Times2Many]

Thank you, Sotto and Bright. As a parent all you want is for your children to be happy. It's hard to see them in pain, especially when you know from personal experience what they're going through.

While having coffee this morning I started thinking about all that's going on. My H is halfway around the world in a MLC, my S's health is failing, my MIL's health is failing and now my D is going through painful times and there's not a thing I can do to fix any of it. Throw in the frustrations with BIL as icing on the cake.

I thought about how I would have reacted to so much at one time a couple of years ago and realized how strong I've become. Two years ago I would have thought I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I would have felt like I just couldn't take anything more. I would have felt overwhelmed and completely helpless and hopeless ... at a loss as to how to help or what to do.

But I've learned on my journey that I can't fix things that are beyond my control. I can be empathetic and supportive when those in pain call on me, but I can't "solve" any of it. All I can do is turn it all over to God and trust that He is taking care of those that I love.

It was a strange feeling of relief and peace. A feeling that I had a role to play in all my loved ones lives, but the burden of "fixing" things was not my burden. God has not called on me to take on more than I can handle. My role is one I can handle ... support, love, understanding and just being there to listen.

On the MLC front, H called this morning. This is a baby step I opened the door for a few weeks ago and was hoping he'd walk through. I wanted him to feel free to call here on the weekend without my prompting or asking him to do so. He did that this morning. We had a pleasant chat about this and that with very little business stuff mentioned.

He did mention his recent difficulties (in general, no specifics) and apologized again for his foul mood last week. He said the week had been awful even though he had good news on many fronts. He again started talking about finding happiness and couldn't understand why he was so unhappy with good things going on around him. He spoke about a book he's reading that he says is helping him and suggested I read it. (I will.) He seemed to be in a better, more settled mood.

One thing I got from this and other recent conversations is that he is beginning to look inside for the happiness he seeks, so I suppose that's a positive thing at this point.

One thing that I've wondered about is that what he called the "worst weekend of my life" was the weekend after my trip (last weekend). Then he said the whole week was bad and he was really down.

I wonder if my trip had anything to do with his mood? IDK. Could be just a coincidence.

A few things he said seemed to be "hints" or "fishing." He mentioned he hated staying with his parents when he was here. I suppose that was supposed to be my cue to tell him he could stay here. I wouldn't be adverse to that since it would only be sporadic for now and might be a good test to see if we can even stay in the same house together again. But he will have to ask. I will not volunteer. If he asks, it will be because he has made that decision on his own without any kind of pressure from me.

The second thing ... he mentioned for the second time that he may fly to Vegas for a weekend while he's here next time. I wondered if that is my cue to ask to join him? I won't ask. He'll have to do the asking.

He also mentioned some short trips he wanted to take and named the places saying "places you don't want to go." Another feeler??

This is the hard part for me right now. I want to let him know I would be open to some of the things he's hinting about, but I'm not going to take the lead or pursue him. He's got to come right out and ask for what he wants. So far I've avoided shooting down anything he's hinted at and tried to just remain neutral and non-committal either way.

Hope everyone is having a pleasant weekend.

2T