What should I be Doing (piecing 6)

[Coconut]

I'm a little late to this thread and didn't read the first thread.

couple questions ---

1. does you wife still work with OM at the fire academy?
2. when does she finish at the academy
3.. once she finishes the academy will they or could they be placed at the same station?

As long as they are still seeing each other at work --- even if they aren't speaking --- the affair continues.

4. Were you there when the fire chief spoke to your wife about the exposure?

5. I wouldn't trust anything your wife told you. She may appear to be trying and working on things but such close proximity to the OM and, for the most part, the impropriety remaining a secret it's very easy for things to rekindle between them.

6. I'll let you answer first, but bottom line --- it is completely disrespectful and hurtful to you for your wayward wife to continue to trounce off to work, study groups, bbq's and meetings in the presence of OM. It's a slow torture that will eventually destroy your marriage.

7. Additionally, if you were truly "piecing" according to Michele Weiner Davis you no longer 180/GAL your wife by ignoring her, playing games, being distant especially when marital neglect was part of the circumstances that made your marriage susceptible to infidelity in the first place. Consider the term "180" -- it means doing the opposite of what you were doing (the last several years of your marriage). Becoming super husband would be your actual 180 --- not Sandi's non-professional 180 list (which generally applies to betrayed wives). A real confident man pursues what he wants. If you want your wife and marriage ---> fight for it.

8. That's not saying there is nothing on the list that applies. You don't want to be running around buying her gifts and saying too many "I love you's". There IS a delicate balance between being that dumped guy begging his wife/girlfriend for another chance and chasing her around for "serious conversations" versus being the confident guy that pursues his wife with a swagger and passion. What's nice is this is something you have experience with. You attracted her to you once before and considering your history together it should be easy to do again. You are her soulmate. You know her better than anyone. She never compared your kisses to OM's because OM barely knew her. Most former wayward wives report being super titillated by the secretive dangerous risky side of adulterous sexual relations but the actual act, when they think about it objectively later -- was awkward and uncomfortable. OM's are relative strangers. They might FEEL likes it's awesome - but feelings lie.

9. The point is ---> up your game and make her regret ever doubting you turn her on more than anyone else ever could.

10. Another thought ---> Don't try to make sex during recovery super passionate and deep. Your wife isn't there emotionally yet. It's still early and she's conflicted. To do what she did meant developing a hatred, blame and disgust for you. Her feelings of love, passion, empathy for you take time so focus more on wild fun sex that distracts and counters her conflicted feelings versus being all sappy. She wants to avoid feeling guilty right now and if you take it too seriously she'll sense it and it's a turn off.

Not sure why I didn't see your post at the end of my previous post, so I'll answer now, it will be a good update. I do this on my iPad so it's complicated to break up quotes, so I numbered everything.

1. My W is in the academy, OM is a firefighter at her station, which is also where the academy is. He does not hang out with her class, OM is only around her occasionally when they both report for a call (which are relatively short period a of time and there are always others around). The A was occurring on class nights where my W would stay at the station after class and he was there, or when she would go to the station to study and hang out, but she comes straight home now and she doesn't hang out at station anymore when not in class or calls.

2. Academy will end in 7 weeks.

3. she is scheduled to be stationed at the same station that he is. He is supposed to be moving and changing stations soon, but if he doesn't, I will discuss her moving to another station after the academy is over.

4. No, I wasn't there when her captain spoke to her, but I do know he called her that day (I saw phone record). I know he saw the texts because he is the only one that could delete them, it was his group me group chat.

5. I don't trust everything she tells/told me, and although possible, very very unlikely they could be continuing seeing each other privately, although texting would still be possible, it would be very very limited. I'm a smart person, I know what to look for, I've watched through binoculars while she's at the station, I've checked her phone multiple times, I even watched them both come out of the station at 2 am after a call without even a glance at each other (I was sleeping when she left, so no way she new I was watching). I have found Zero evidence of any communication. I'm in a good place, I don't currently have worries that would kill M.

6. See answer 1, they are not n any social settings together, she doesn't even go out on Saturday nights with others from station anymore.

7. I do not ignore her, most of my GAL activities are when she has academy, though some are on nights when she is off, she is usually studying anyways. I'm 100% present with her when we are together, but I also feel me getting a life benefits her and us, and I always update her with what I'm doing and respond when she texts or asks questions. And I always participate with her when she asks to do something. I am just careful not to smother.

8. No gifts yet, although will be getting her flowers this week and leave 1 or 2 notes on mirror or car this week letting her know I'm thinking of her and love her. I am being her soulmate right now and she is very receptive. For Nights out together, I am planning fun and new things to do together and we are both enjoying and connecting. She loves our new R.

9. I'm pulling out all the stops, even more so than when originally courting.

10. Not trying to make sex passionate, going with what we got, just commented on the lack of emotional intamicy, but not dwelling on it. I'm having a good time . And I know she's getting where she needs to be slowly, and she's having a good time for now too.