Hi, not much of an update but had a situation with h this weekend so thought I would share and journal.
So yesterday he text to say hi, which lead into the standard "hows your week been" conversation. He replied (short version) that he had had a busy week and that his company is advertising for a new GM which he is deciding if he wants to apply for .....
I established it may be based where he currently lives (our problem location), so I was good and thanked him for telling me about the job opportunity before he applied and not after he got the job. He came back that he had written and deleted dozens of texts trying to tell me whats going on and feels sick that he has now done so, but also teary that I thanked him for doing it. His words "Your a very special person x"
We text back n forth and I tried to figure out where he feels I fit in to this decision, or even if I fit into this decision. I asked him what is stopping him from applying and he replied " the main reason why I wouldn't apply is you, not actually you, but my problem with you being here"
Things turned a little tense then as on one hand this was a job he has dreamed of and to not go for it because of me, well I am not sure I can live with that. But on the other hand I am very concerned that he will just be adding to his current problems with a higher stressed position and then not deal with them.
He ended up texting that he knows why he did not send the texts now, as he feared I would push him into applying and he was right.
H-"I am no further forward with whether to take the meds or not, no more clarity on how I overcome the issues I have regarding us, I absolutely do not have the capacity to handle anymore life changing decisions"
Me - "Just read your last text back to yourself. You say you don't have the capacity to make a life changing decision right now, this is a big life changing one to be making, if you do have depression then you are not making it from a clear head space"
H - "I guess that you trying to work out (obviously be asking me, only option you have), felt like I was being put on the spot. I wanted you to know what's happening here. I am infamously bad at doing that. I hoped that sharing would help. Its all part of not over thinking and prediciting your reaction, just putting it out there and letting the universe make up its own mind. As you have pointed out, this is a big decision and you also point out that I should not be making it right now. So I see that I should not apply, which removes one thing I have to think about. See, you help "
I just wrote "um, glad to be of help - I think !!"
I am really not sure what to make of all this. Did he really listen to what I had to say, agree with it and make a decision based on my opinion? I am half expecting to receive an email in a couple of weeks telling me he has the job lol, but the other half is saying, actually, what ever you have requested of him lately, if it is within his capabilities, he does it, so believe what he says.
Its like running a cross country marathon and when you get to the top of a hill you can see your destination and it looks so close, but its an optical illusion, there are many more hills and winding roads to still run before you get to the finish line
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