Losing control, I need to let go (2)

[SH_]

Like I said previously I think I need to take some time away and try and center myself.

This is one of the best thoughts you have posted in your threads. And you have posted it more than once.
So now what are you doing to follow your own advice here?



You're questioning what I'm looking for and to be frank I'm not sure myself anymore.

If you are not sure, then sit still and figure it out. You are being provided with ideas, advice and feedback from folks at every point in situations that mirror yours.
Pay attention.
Try and stop debating it all, and focus some energy on some actions.
Continuing to ruminate and debate really is not doing you any good.

All I know for sure is I'm tired, I'm tired of feeling this pain, I'm tired of thinking about the memories, I'm tired of waking up at 5am, I'm tired of looking for signs in everything, I'm tired of trying to figure out what caused this, I'm tired of having to hear and see how happy my W is without me, I'm tired of worrying what she's doing everytime she has weekends without the kids.

Then it is time to start doing something about it. You are never going to make any progress in these areas if you continue to just think and write about it.
You need to get up and do something about it.
No one ever lost 50 pounds and got healthy by sitting around and being tired of being sick and tired.
They have to get up and do some work.
And that work will be uncomfortable and does not change things over night.
It takes time and WORK to come through what you are experiencing.

I just want to be free from it all but I can't. My brain is my worst enemy at the moment, I can't control it!

You can't control it, because you are not putting forth the effort to do so.
Your brain is like any other muscle in your body. You have to exercise it.
You should have homework from your IC to work on this.
You may need to see an MD for medical advice.
Meditation, study of emotional health and effort are what are needed.
And a PMA.
This you may even have to fake it until you make it.
But without a PMA you will struggle.

I want to know why my W isn't filing for divorce? Granted financially she can't afford it but if she is so certain it's over then ask me to file.

How will knowing change anything you do?

Kyle....brother....my friend....
It is time to start doing something that works.
So much proven and valuable information is being shared with you. And it is from folks that care and want to see you succeed.
Think about it. Do you really think folks here are trying to just steer you in a random direction?
Do you want support and ideas?
C'mon now. I have thrown out the challenge to you several times.
Others have as well.
Your thread is starting to look something like a broken record.
It keeps repeating itself.

Stand up, dust yourself off, understand that your d's need you to be a strong father. You need to feel strong and good again.

You can do this.

But only after you make a decision and commit to doing the work that is needed.

I am not saying that it will be easy. Only that it will be worth it.

What say you?

Will you do it?