I feel for you currently as I too have been re-triggered within the last few days with not only guilt but shame.
Old demons of being unworthy and undeserving of love, because of how I may have treated goregous Mr S. He has been nothing but loving and kind, in my complete emotional over-reaction to the shame and guilt of potentially treating him poorly. He says I didn't treat him poorly and that he understands the over-reaction. I am blessed.
It is challenging to feel yourself getting pulled back into old ways of feeling. I have fallen into a depression, feeling overwhelmed by behaviours that I believed I had overcome.
You are right Lady V we are revisiting places to in someway prove to ourselves that we are not worthy of moving forward to a happier and lighter place.
Lady V, others forced us to procure these views of ourselves. They are not ours to own. I resent feeling that I should own them. However I self-flagellate this too.
Mr S wants me to trust, to trust him that he is different from my previous partners, from my father and to trust myself that I am different, even though feelings of happiness, love and connection are huge triggers to the shame, guilt and fear of losing it all over again fill me with.
Mr S is asking me to patient with him, he asks more however that I am patient with myself, while I learn to let go of the past and learn to find happiness now and into my future. He tells me there is no rush to be comfortable with the new, that I can take my time.
He is kind for sure. But I am done with feeling the shame and guilt at a time when I should be feeling more freedom and happiness. I feel like I am being ungrateful and spoiled to not be revelling in him and us.
I am not really sure what I am trying to convey Lady V. Only likely that I view myself as someone more than able to check my stuff and move through it, and yet here I am feeling like I am starting at the beginning, and this time the trigger was not the loss of someone, but the potential of having someone.
Maybe its just the gift of time Lady V, that we just have to keep giving ourselves.
Sometimes the feelings just take over. I let them and observe when I can.
My guilt
- not spotting this nature in WH - introducing this man to my family and friends - having few boundaries - being slow to bounce back - screaming banshee reaction - the on going depression and complex PTSD - my dire fins putting my business at risk - lack of general motivation - still having about 20 lbs of excess weight - the fact that extreme self care has lapsed
Will that do? Ju
Big mess of guilt to wallow in.
I think most of it is just being unwell at present.
V
Oh vanilla
Your guilty for being human! We can't be perfect all the time. We are entitled to make mistakes. We are allowed to trust. We are allowed to f up. I know you know this, but just wanted to remind you.
Being sick really contributes as well. I felt the same this winter. You will get better though.
Your very analytical in how you detach and observe your emotions. This ability seems to provide you with comfort. But allow for human error
Jelly, dear, trust Mr S has your best interest at heart. Open yourself up to it. You take a risk of getting hurt, yes, but if you mute the risk you also mute the rewards. I think back to the beginning of my relationship with MyNica and I have no idea why he put up with my insecurities. But he was nothing but kind and patient with me. There are actually some men like that.
Thank you for posting about your experiences with men that are kind and patient regarding your vulnerabilities. Men that you can be yourselves around. It's so nice to know they exist. But only if you are willing to take a risk. I am keeping that info stored.
My fear when I start dating is having to wear that mask of confidence and self assuredness in order to be perceived as attractive and valuable. Or perhaps to prevent being perceived as someone needing pity and rescue either! How can we not have some insecurities post divorce/ abandonment? All of our egos have been severely battered! We wouldn't be human!
Something else to remember...why would these men be willing to put up with our bruised egos and insecuritites??? Maybe because it comes with a lot of other great stuff!!
Hi lovely V, I'm so sorry you're having a rough time with xWH at the moment, and you're still not well. Do take care of yourself first and foremost and only post again when you feel up to it, or it will help.
I'm hoping you'll be feeling much better soon.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Oh no! I hope that you are feeling better very soon. Pneumonia is awful!
The extra nonsense with xWH simultaneously is remarkably bad timing. Hang in there, Miss V.
((((((Vanilla))))))
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
