What Should I be doing (5)

[Georgia Bulldogs]

I'm a little late to this thread and didn't read the first thread.

couple questions ---

1. does you wife still work with OM at the fire academy?
2. when does she finish at the academy
3.. once she finishes the academy will they or could they be placed at the same station?

As long as they are still seeing each other at work --- even if they aren't speaking --- the affair continues.

4. Were you there when the fire chief spoke to your wife about the exposure?

I wouldn't trust anything your wife told you. She may appear to be trying and working on things but such close proximity to the OM and, for the most part, the impropriety remaining a secret it's very easy for things to rekindle between them.

I'll let you answer first, but bottom line --- it is completely disrespectful and hurtful to you for your wayward wife to continue to trounce off to work, study groups, bbq's and meetings in the presence of OM. It's a slow torture that will eventually destroy your marriage.

Additionally, if you were truly "piecing" according to Michele Weiner Davis you no longer 180/GAL your wife by ignoring her, playing games, being distant especially when marital neglect was part of the circumstances that made your marriage susceptible to infidelity in the first place. Consider the term "180" -- it means doing the opposite of what you were doing (the last several years of your marriage). Becoming super husband would be your actual 180 --- not Sandi's non-professional 180 list (which generally applies to betrayed wives). A real confident man pursues what he wants. If you want your wife and marriage ---> fight for it.

That's not saying there is nothing on the list that applies. You don't want to be running around buying her gifts and saying too many "I love you's". There IS a delicate balance between being that dumped guy begging his wife/girlfriend for another chance and chasing her around for "serious conversations" versus being the confident guy that pursues his wife with a swagger and passion. What's nice is this is something you have experience with. You attracted her to you once before and considering your history together it should be easy to do again. You are her soulmate. You know her better than anyone. She never compared your kisses to OM's because OM barely knew her. Most former wayward wives report being super titillated by the secretive dangerous risky side of adulterous sexual relations but the actual act, when they think about it objectively later -- was awkward and uncomfortable. OM's are relative strangers. They might FEEL likes it's awesome - but feelings lie.

The point is ---> up your game and make her regret ever doubting you turn her on more than anyone else ever could.

Another thought ---> Don't try to make sex during recovery super passionate and deep. Your wife isn't there emotionally yet. It's still early and she's conflicted. To do what she did meant developing a hatred, blame and disgust for you. Her feelings of love, passion, empathy for you take time so focus more on wild fun sex that distracts and counters her conflicted feelings versus being all sappy. She wants to avoid feeling guilty right now and if you take it too seriously she'll sense it and it's a turn off.