My little slice of Life..

[RSG]

This is what the guy in a romance novel would do! However, it is not the right move with a wayward wife. The more she thinks you have no interest in her.....or that you don't want to be around her.....or that you are not attracted to her.....the better.

You see, with a WW, you do the opposite of what you'd do with a normal woman. You do the opposite of showing great care and concern over her drama, her sad friend, her woes at work, etc. When she dresses smoking hot to go out with a "friend" or whatever excuse she gives.........you don't drool over her and tell her how great she looks, b/c she's going out to play. Don't be so quick to show comfort, b/c it's all about her feelings. (The only exception is if she looses a family member). No cuddling, no hugs, no kisses, etc.

I would not recommend that the H rush out to file for a D. It is a very risky gamble hoping it will shock her out of the fog. I recommend he stops trying to win her back. He drops the rope. IMHO, that works better than anything else when you have a WW. When a H really does drop her, she can tell.....and oh brother, will she start trying to wiggle back into his life. She'll temp check him like crazy; she'll get mad; and most of all try to manipulate him. She wants control over his life.....even if she doesn't want him as her lover. Crazy!

Don't try to find out what will shock her out of the fog. I don't think they are "shocked" to the point of making a complete 180. It is a process. But if the H will stop being a nice-guy type of man and emotionally let go, that will be one of the biggest shocks he could do. She is not worried about losing him, and she needs to be. It's one thing for her to dump him.....but if she gets dumped, that's another story!

When she sees her H is not interested in holding on to her;
When she sees her H happy without her;
When she believes she is losing her H;
When she can't manipulate her H;
When she experiences the consequences of her decisions;
When her fantasies crumble;
Then, her H may start to see more of his old W in this wayward woman. He needs to be very careful about letting her come back too quickly. She should feel remorse for her actions and the great pain she has caused. Remorse does not come very quickly for most, and the process takes time. However, if the H can do what has been suggested, it can hurry the process along.

Wow. Thanks for this Sandi. I'm on a good starting path on many of these avenues. I know a big one I need to drop is the "family type" updates of S, and that will be done the next time she requests them. She will get angry, but it's a natural consequence of her choices. She is starting to inquire more about what I'm doing, as being out and about is such a 180 from the stay at home family man I've been for about 5 years; however, she can definitely smell that I'm still attracted. She's gained weight and has done terrible things to me and her S, but I'm still attracted. I think that's me looking at my W rather than a woman who has cheated and on the brink of destroying a family. THAT is what I need to think of when I see her. I do put on a legitimate happy face when I'm around her rather than sad and mopey so I have improved. I don't initiate contact anymore and only validate when she talks about her day.

It's definitely true, when I step back and look at it objectively. She's not worried about losing me, she's confident I'll always be there. My Mom said this numerous times, and when she did I wasn't sure what that meant. Now that I've gotten to a better place, and the shock has worn off, I see exactly what that means. The safety plan, Plan B, etc. This is why "friends" is so dangerous. She gets to have all the H things, but doesn't have to do all the W things like love, physical contact, etc. I'm learning.

And, like the others, I thank you so very much for your wisdom!!!