What Should I be doing (5)

[Si_07]

Another thing though, W expected me to trust her completely from the moment she told me there was nothing going on. I asked her to be open and honest as she still worked near him but I didn't get that. Her response when I confronted her was that "I didn't trust her so she might as well go do it". She didn't want to earn my trust back, it was to be given back freely. The contact began building in 3 months, every month then on it was getting more frequent but she wouldn't tell me, wouldn't be open about it. My problem is I didn't set good boundaries and didn't have any consequences for breaking them. We just ended up fighting instead.

If I had have found this site last year, things may have been different but I also don't think my W has ever grasped he concept of an EA and how that effects her actions towards the relationship. I'm not sure she ever will either.

[BluWave]

And it will get easier with time. It will. No one could have told me that one year ago or even 6 months ago. I am going on 14 months, and I can tell you, I am in a completely diff place now. I am detached. It just takes time, working on yourself, however if you don't like what your W is doing, then by all means, listen to yourself. If in time she is still behaving in a way that you don't like, then you can reevaluate the M then.

-Blu

Wow. 14mos. Scares the doodoo out of me. I'll be at 1 month in a few days. I'm not in a completely different place, but I see myself on a positive path trending upwards. I recognize the things I haven't liked about myself, am out GAL, texting/calling little to none unless specifically about S (still need to improve here), don't linger when she's around, am positive and upbeat, keeping my mouth shut when I want to say something I shouldn't (whether it's I miss you or WTF are you doing!). I guess it's too soon to judge whether she actually misses me or not, or to spend much if any time thinking about it.

Blu, it would be very helpful to me if you could tell me what you did in the beginning that helped you so much. Should I just find your posts and start there?

Thanks!!!

14 months of piecing that is. The DB happened over 2 years ago :-O Life is looooonnnngggg.

This is one very small nugget on the grand scale of it. It will not be this way forever. Go easy on yourself. Allow yourself to see the silver linings. Things will fall into place over time, that I know.

-Blu

[RSG]

Wow, that is long!! At least you're in a good place and your H is working hard to for your M.

Thanks for the advice. I do see silver linings. It's been hard to admit, but I had an epiphany the other day about myself. I do need this time apart, to get ME back. But not just to get me, but to build on me and be an even better man.

[Stormchaser]

Atta boy, RSG.

I was the same way after a month. My attitude drastically changed, I was in IC 2x a week, my outlook also changed. I started the gym membership about that time and that consumed my free hours. I was no longer a miserable, angry person to be with. I changed my hair style. I got a fake tan. I shaved every day. Not only did my W notice, but everyone around me did. Including other women I work with :-)

Keep moving, don't stop with the improvements, learn a new hobby. Try guitar or piano. Become interested in something you've always wanted to do. I dragged out my old telescope and started stargazing again. If she wants to come back, then that's great for you. If she doesn't, then that leaves room for someone else to appreciate the NEW you, the NEW AND IMPROVED RSG!

[RSG]

Atta boy, RSG.

I was the same way after a month. My attitude drastically changed, I was in IC 2x a week, my outlook also changed. I started the gym membership about that time and that consumed my free hours. I was no longer a miserable, angry person to be with. I changed my hair style. I got a fake tan. I shaved every day. Not only did my W notice, but everyone around me did. Including other women I work with :-)

Keep moving, don't stop with the improvements, learn a new hobby. Try guitar or piano. Become interested in something you've always wanted to do. I dragged out my old telescope and started stargazing again. If she wants to come back, then that's great for you. If she doesn't, then that leaves room for someone else to appreciate the NEW you, the NEW AND IMPROVED RSG!

I had a little setback this afternoon, realizing I just don't like who I had become. I didn't feel good this afternoon, and I missed my best friend being there to hear me out and pump me back up. Sigh. Onward and upward. I know the areas that are important, and adding a little to my style and appearance would be welcome. I know it's just month one, but I have a plan and clear goals. I'm looking to the future, but focused on today.

[Coconut]

W just posted something on FB, kinda describes DB'ng in a nutshell, it says:

Wake up early. Drink Water
Work hard. Be ambitious.
Keep your priorities straight,
your mind right and your head up.
Do well, live well and dress really well.
Do what you love. Love what you do.
It is time to start living.


I replied "Sorry, I couldn't get past wake up early (laughing emoji). But your kickin azz with the rest. (no mentioning of the fact that this has been my mantra for the last two months).

[Irish M]

Nice positive message from her.
Like you said Funny how it describes DB'ing

Mine posted stuff like -

"I hate it when the voices in my head go silent , I never know what those Fkrs are thinking."


RSG, set backs happen. You pick yourself up and keep moving. Most important thing is learn from it and take a few steps toward your personal goals.
Focus on your S and yourself. I see you are getting plenty of good advice.

Irish

[Georgia Bulldogs]

I'm a little late to this thread and didn't read the first thread.

couple questions ---

1. does you wife still work with OM at the fire academy?
2. when does she finish at the academy
3.. once she finishes the academy will they or could they be placed at the same station?

As long as they are still seeing each other at work --- even if they aren't speaking --- the affair continues.

4. Were you there when the fire chief spoke to your wife about the exposure?

I wouldn't trust anything your wife told you. She may appear to be trying and working on things but such close proximity to the OM and, for the most part, the impropriety remaining a secret it's very easy for things to rekindle between them.

I'll let you answer first, but bottom line --- it is completely disrespectful and hurtful to you for your wayward wife to continue to trounce off to work, study groups, bbq's and meetings in the presence of OM. It's a slow torture that will eventually destroy your marriage.

Additionally, if you were truly "piecing" according to Michele Weiner Davis you no longer 180/GAL your wife by ignoring her, playing games, being distant especially when marital neglect was part of the circumstances that made your marriage susceptible to infidelity in the first place. Consider the term "180" -- it means doing the opposite of what you were doing (the last several years of your marriage). Becoming super husband would be your actual 180 --- not Sandi's non-professional 180 list (which generally applies to betrayed wives). A real confident man pursues what he wants. If you want your wife and marriage ---> fight for it.

That's not saying there is nothing on the list that applies. You don't want to be running around buying her gifts and saying too many "I love you's". There IS a delicate balance between being that dumped guy begging his wife/girlfriend for another chance and chasing her around for "serious conversations" versus being the confident guy that pursues his wife with a swagger and passion. What's nice is this is something you have experience with. You attracted her to you once before and considering your history together it should be easy to do again. You are her soulmate. You know her better than anyone. She never compared your kisses to OM's because OM barely knew her. Most former wayward wives report being super titillated by the secretive dangerous risky side of adulterous sexual relations but the actual act, when they think about it objectively later -- was awkward and uncomfortable. OM's are relative strangers. They might FEEL likes it's awesome - but feelings lie.

The point is ---> up your game and make her regret ever doubting you turn her on more than anyone else ever could.

Another thought ---> Don't try to make sex during recovery super passionate and deep. Your wife isn't there emotionally yet. It's still early and she's conflicted. To do what she did meant developing a hatred, blame and disgust for you. Her feelings of love, passion, empathy for you take time so focus more on wild fun sex that distracts and counters her conflicted feelings versus being all sappy. She wants to avoid feeling guilty right now and if you take it too seriously she'll sense it and it's a turn off.

[Coconut]

Ok, so not much to post R wise, other than a few words this morning about where we stand, we haven't really been having R talks. That talk was very light, and out of it came:
She is happier now, more emotionally connected than has been in a long time
I'm more secure in our status since we are in a better place

Although I have been slipping on me. I haven't continued working out and exercising like I want/need to be, it's been raining a lot so my bike riding has really been limited (my fav. exercise), so I need to get busy on that. Also, I find myself drinking more, which I need to stop (not a lot, but more than I have been in last two months). My GAL is still going good, and my TV still very limited. I need to find a good balance / routine to get into.

Our intamicy is off the charts compared to the last couple of years, at least once a day now, but still seems like the emotional aspect is lacking, so I think I may back off initiating some for now, but I will continue snuggling.

Tonight is our fun night, and I'm gonna take her to a shooting range, she's never been and I've only been a few times ever, so should be fun outing for both of us. Then she wants to go to a bar to watch UFC tonight, so we will do that afterwards.

[RSG]

RSG, set backs happen. You pick yourself up and keep moving. Most important thing is learn from it and take a few steps toward your personal goals.
Focus on your S and yourself. I see you are getting plenty of good advice.

Irish

Yup, exactly what I did! Since that day, I haven't felt that feeling. It's like I just let it out, took a deep breath and kept moving away from her and towards me. GAL going well, detaching and enjoying Daddy time.....