My wife walked out 2

[Coconut]

She got upset and asked why I didn't consult her about a haircut first. My normal response would have been to say calm down, it's just a haircut! This would've blown her top. Instead, I thought about it and said yes I should have consulted. She was still angry, and I explained myself more fully by saying I apologized for not including her.

Normal response of "calm down" - not good
New response of "yes I should have consulted" - not good (doormat'ish)
A haircut is not a life altering event for a toddler, you are his father, you do not need to consult with her about a $15 haircut that will grow back in a few weeks.

Didn't you just agree less than a week ago that she doesn't get to be part of "your" family, she left it. I think a better response would be; I can see your upset about this, but he is my son and I didn't want his hair getting to long (in his eyes, start curling, etc. whatever the reason).

This morning, she calls at 7AM and apologizes for being so angry but that it made her feel like she wasn't his parent. I validated and said now I know that this crosses the line from a mundane thing like "what color shorts should he wear" to something more important for her.

Did she apologize for having a R with OM? who cares if she got angry about a haircut. She is still his parent, but not part of the family. A haircut is mundane, so is the color of his shorts, so is what he eats for lunch, so is what color toy you buy him..

Some of you are thinking DOORMAT! and I'll admit from the outside it may look this way.

Yep!!!

However, it's a complete 180 for me. 3 mos ago I would've said it's no big deal just calm down....and a huge argument would ensue.

Don't 180 into a doormat, 180's are for you to be a better you, not to make it easier for her to walk all over you. How to communicate with others is a good 180, agreeing with everything rather than make them upset, not a good 180.

I stopped, looked at it from her point of view and validated her concern. And my W is not someone to throw around apologies. I know it's a baby step, and to her it was just a positive step in so-called "coparenting" but for me it was huge. I not only learned a new technique, but I used it and nothing but positivity came from it. Which means, it's definitely something I need to keep working on and make a habit of!

Worry about positive steps in co-parenting if you get D, right now it's about showing her that you and your son are still a family, you are still his Father, and you will still do family and father stuff.

Just my humble opinion RSG, I just think that being afraid of making her upset is not where you want to go. She is having an A, do you think she is afraid to make you upset? Stand tall/strong/fair, don't do something to hurt her, but if she gets upset about something that's on her, not you.