Things are very busy in terms of the kids this week. Bring D7 to school, bring S5 to camp, then pick them up at 4. Today I had to bring them to occupation therapy after camp/school. She asked me to take D7 to her therapist tomorrow afternoon after school. I volunteered to help with D7’s ‘Field day’ at school tomorrow - talked to wife about altering tomorrow’s schedule slightly. Face to face interaction with wife several times today - interaction is cordial, respectful, friendly. She also seemed like she fixed herself up to see me (nice dress hair and makeup, not her usual) - I could be imagining this one.
It is a really nice sunny day, and I’m getting a lot of walking in. At times I’m able to put everything out of my mind and just live in the moment. Other times I get an email from my lawyer talking about paperwork - and my mood falls through the floor again. I’m still trying to get myself together - I’m in a much better place than I was last week though - I don’t think I could get much lower than that.
I sent her a couple of texts regarding withdrawal of money from the accounts that got no response
-I just withdrew that money I mentioned yesterday to pay my brother, the transaction is labelled -In the next couple of weeks fyi I will also withdraw money to pay for lawyer fees, and also later on to pay for deposit and rent on a new apartment for myself.
No response. From our friendly interaction you would not know we are texting about legal stuff, financials, and renting new places. Maybe that’s a good thing. I’m back at work again, trying to stay focused. Meditated today, went to a 12 step meeting. Going out to dinner later with my brother. Tomorrow I will have kids until next Monday, there are family gatherings and kids birthday parties going on over the weekend. I’m going to be the ‘sad dude who’s wife is not here’. I’m just going to take it in stride and try to enjoy myself, be very humble about my situation if anyone brings it up.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
I guess I'm still working on detachment - I'm not there yet mentally. My saving grace is that in terms of behavior around my ex I've exercised a lot of self control and have at least conducted myself well around her as far as non pursuing behaviors.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
Well my wife called me today, which is a breakthrough of sorts even though it was just about the kids. It indicates a level or trust and comfort, especially since we agreed only to talk through text message at this time. I’m happy about that. I’ve been doing a really good job being relaxed, friendly, respectful and consistent around her. I make small talk and crack jokes when I can. I think my DB efforts are paying off. I have a garage door opener again at the house, and my wife is calling me and I’m getting a lot of face to face interaction as well. So that’s good.
It’s been a pretty busy few days. I’m back at work, things are pretty busy there, I’m trying to focus so that all this crap that’s going on doesn’t affect me in my work at the very least. That’s the last thing I need, so far work has been pretty understanding. I have kids most of this week, so a lot of juggling of schedules. They have therapy, occupational therapy, school and summer camp, swimming - and my son has baseball practice and a game tomorrow morning. A lot of logistics talk with my wife, a lot of texts and face to face meetings. Next week they go off to visit my in laws out of state again, I’m sort of dreading that as last time my wife went to visit in laws she came back and cancelled all plans of attending MC with me and filed for D. I’m sure they wind her up and I’ve been painted as the ultimate villain in this situation. Nothing I can do but be a good guy right now and focus on my kids and working on myself.
I’ve been working on detaching, I think that’s helped me. I think it’s paying off in terms of my relationship w my wife. It hasn’t been easy. One thing I’ve learned is that - if I want to cultivate a PMA, it takes a consistent effort. I have to constantly monitor my thoughts, and focus on other things to keep me occupied when I get bogged down in fearful thoughts about the future. That’s pretty hard to do at this time when I’m dealing with so many problems and negativity. One thing thats helped is - not surfing around on reddit and youtube for ‘divorce advice’ anymore - that just gets me down. I also try to limit my surfing of this board, I can get caught up in this board and despite how much I care about the people on this board, if I spend too much time on here, it tends to get me down as well.
We have kids birthday parties and baseball games set for this weekend, I’m going to try to be there for my kids and enjoy myself as much as I can. It’s getting easier for me. I find every day that I have less and less periods of depression, and I can see how in time it will be ok, no matter what happens. I think soon I will be able to detach completely and let go of all expectations. This will probably help me even more in my DB efforts. Right now, at least part of my attitude is an act. But I think I’m doing a pretty good job so far.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
I had the kids for 5 days - Wed through Sun, just brought them back on Mon morning. It was very nice, but busy. I am a good dad. My kids love me - that means everything. Kids are just the greatest thing in my life and they really lift my mood. We had a very sweet father’s day together. We spent time with my side of the family, I took them to toys r us, we went out to dinner one night. Also their cousin had a birthday party so they really had a lot of fun. I think dropping them off Monday morning is the worst for me - I’m alone again and confronted with my sitch. All in all I’d have to say that I’m doing better. My attitude is a lot better than it was last week when I was in absolute despair. Now I just have my moments of absolute despair, I guess that’s an improvement.
It doesn’t help that absolutely none of my friends and family see any hope for me to reconcile with my wife. When they talk to me about my marriage, the overall feeling is that we are headed for D. My friends and family hate her at this point for what she’s doing to me and to our kids - they don’t particularly want us to stay together. That’s understandable, I know they mean well, they just want me to be happy and for this to be over for me.
I am detaching. I can feel it happening, although I’m not completely ‘there’. I’m starting to accept that this D is happening, and the only thing I can do is work on myself and keep a PMA, and keep up my DB efforts. The outcome of the situation is up to her. That’s not a good feeling, to have your life be decided by someone else (your kids lives too). So I’ve been detaching. Whatever happens, I will deal with it, and I will know that I’ve done all that I can, and I will be a stronger person when I come out the other side. It seems like it would be difficult to completely detach as long as you’re DB’ing? because a part of your is still putting forth effort into working on the marriage by working on yourself?
I am lifting weight, going to 12 step meetings, focusing on work, spending time with friends and family, journaling, meditating. In terms of my DB efforts, I have been doing very well - keeping interactions cheerful, respectful, cordial. I noticed interactions with my wife have improved. Her tone when interacting with me has improved, she is pleasant and upbeat around me vs. the look of hate and shooting daggers with her eyes previously. She called a few times over the weekend to talk to the kids, I got to talk to her a few minutes too. She is texting me more, she gave me the garage door opener to the house, she is asking me to do more stuff with the kids, and we are talking on the phone more. She also called me on Friday - I don’t know why she called when she could have texted but I’ll take that as a ‘small step’.
At times it still takes every ounce of self control I have to ‘stick with the plan’ (of DB). It’s hard for me to keep a PMA when the situation just seems so very bleak. She has built up so many walls in such a short amount of time (only a month and a half), it seems a very tall order for me to bring them down. She has already filed the D, she has already called the cops on me and kept me out of my house, she is surrounded by - friends, relatives, therapists - all of whom seem to be ‘supporting’ her by pushing for this D. She will be going to visit her family again next week - no doubt they will probably pump her up full of negativity against me.
I maintain my self control, it takes everything at times to keep myself from reaching out to her and saying what I really want to say. All of our problems are fixable. You are blowing me up into this villain in order to justify destroying our family. How can you just walk away from 10 years and 2 kids without even giving MC a try. Whatever negative image you have of me is completely distorted. I am working on myself every day and I have had many realizations about our relationship. Stop, let’s talk about this. But I can’t say these things. I know they will fall on deaf ears right now, and will only hurt my case. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
It doesn’t help that absolutely none of my friends and family see any hope for me to reconcile with my wife. When they talk to me about my marriage, the overall feeling is that we are headed for D. My friends and family hate her at this point for what she’s doing to me and to our kids - they don’t particularly want us to stay together. That’s understandable, I know they mean well, they just want me to be happy and for this to be over for me.
This is why MWD recommends not detailing too much of your situation out to friends and family. All it does is make the road home tougher. How can you keep the path clear?
Originally Posted By: qt4x11
The outcome of the situation is up to her. That’s not a good feeling, to have your life be decided by someone else (your kids lives too).
NO! That is not true. Why are you giving her all of the power to make that decision? Why dont you get any say as to when it's over? You are in control of your life. Your life was NEVER decided by her.
Originally Posted By: qt4x11
She called a few times over the weekend to talk to the kids, I got to talk to her a few minutes too.
Hmmmm....this sounds like you might be being too available. You "got" to talk to her for a few minutes, and thats considered a positive? I understand that the children need their mother in their life, but in my opinion, a "few times" in a weekend is kind of a lot. How will things be if you are divorced?
Originally Posted By: qt4x11
She has built up so many walls in such a short amount of time (only a month and a half), it seems a very tall order for me to bring them down.
Id frame this differently in your head. Only she can bring down her walls. Your job is just to not add to them for her.
Youre doing OK, QT. Just keep going a day at a time.
This is why MWD recommends not detailing too much of your situation out to friends and family. All it does is make the road home tougher. How can you keep the path clear?
They have good intentions. I was such a mess for a few weeks, I had to lean on them. I did have a conversation with my brothers - I said, listen if for some reason we decide to stay together, I hope we can have a discussion about it and be nice to W again. They said, of course. Right now I'm just not discussing my DB efforts with anyone except my therapist and my DB coach.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
I’m detaching. I’m losing hope. Are they the same thing, or related? Too much BS has happened in such a short amount of time. She’s put up so many walls. I’m out of the house and only see my kids 50% of the time. Our families and friends are divided. She’s filed for D. There are Ls involved, I’m worrying about stuff like custody and finances. What else do I need to accept this is happening? I should just accept it - fully - as something that just happens in life. I still have guilt, but I am processing my guilt too. I did a lot to cause this - but I also have tried to apologize, change and make it better. So if this is happening, it’s her choice. You can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do. Trying to do so - it’s not right, it’s unhealthy.
Better to just let it go. If it’s really going to happen, just learn from it - become a better person. Even if you have to do that without her. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel sad, that’s only natural. ‘You don’t want this for your kids’, ‘You don’t believe in divorce’ - but what can you do? This D - it’s her decision, she put it in motion. I love her enough to let her go if that’s her choice. The other side is what does the future hold? I think I have had trouble detaching because I feel trepidation for a future without her, and I miss our old life. I am able to detach more and more because I don’t fear that future so much. It will be different. I find myself thinking less about the MR - and more about the future, what I can become, I’m even a little excited about it.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
I’m detaching. I’m losing hope. Are they the same thing, or related? Too much BS has happened in such a short amount of time.
qt4x11,
I think that's part of the process. As the LBS "fog" clears you begin to realize the toll that the WW has taken and the reality of the situation really begins to sink in.
There's a fairly good chance I may see my mother in law this week when we exchange kids as she's in town. I love my mother in law, she's like a second mom to me. Now with all of this crap going on between me and my W I'm not sure how she feels about me anymore. For sure she is supporting her daughter, not sure if she is neutral or if she has branded me as a bad guy in the sitch.
What should I say to her if anything if I see her? I could also request my W that I not see my mother in law - but I'd have to give a reason for this. Not sure what the best thing to do is.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
