Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 2

[PsySara]

WH and I had another marathon talk last night (as per his request) and we addressed a lot of issues surrounding the affair and the marriage before then. He is still trying to blame shift to me, says my lack of affection and sex made him cheat. I validated that it sounded like he felt unloved in our marriage, he agreed. I then told him I also felt unappreciated and unloved, that he was very critical of me and I often had the feeling of walking on eggshells around him. I told him the big difference is I tried to "fix it" (albeit using the wrong tools) and he cheated. I told him that eventually he was going to have to examine why his coping mechanism in a difficult marriage was to turn outside the marriage for satisfaction and not toward the marriage. I told him the marriage was 50/50 but that the infidelity was 100% on him. He was defensive and upset again because he thinks I am "not getting it" but I stayed calm and steady and just validated while putting a boundary in place. I told him that while he may feel my (in)actions led to him cheating that the facts simply where he cheated and that falls on his shoulders.

WH also said a lot of things about never wanting to divorce me but wanting to cake eat. That he wanted me because he feels he can only talk to me in these deep ways, but he also wanted the OW for sex and spontaneity. I told him we were a lot like that in the beginning but when kids, bills and responsibilities come along it can hamper the aforementioned. I told him if he and OW ended up having kids (puked a little in my mouth) that she would quickly resemble me; tired, resentful and emotionally and sexually shut off. I told him as long as he sought happiness and fulfillment from others then he would repeat the behaviors. Again, there was a lot more but there isn't enough time to type it all out. These conversations are painful for me but enlightening. It also appears WH feels safe enough to finally communicate with me. I have controlled my responses so while I make it clear I don't agree with his POV I can still listen.

I had a DBing coaching session today and my coach basically said I was making huge and profound changes in how I behave and go through the emotions related to my M and the affair. He was struck by the fact that WH was finally talking so much. WH is a fairly sealed off guy and uses silences as his defense. WH is pouring out his fears and thoughts without any prompting towards me. This appears to reflect that WH is now turning back towards me. The coach also was glad to note I am moving in a week and therefore will be able to take care of SS a bit more. He complimented me on this week's behavior and using the techniques I have been taught in dealing with all this. I am feeling a little more evened out today, a little more stable and confident.