Almost 10 weeks since she said she didnt love me

[Natus]

Journaling:

Been up all night. I hope the sleepless nights haven't come back.

I dont know if i can do it. I dont know if i want the M anymore. The constant wonder if shes going to pendulum swing or going to relapse and contact OM, or if there will be OM#2.

Th constant wonder if shes hiding things from me. If shes deleting text messages or emails or whatever. I've stopped all forms of snooping. I dont even verify anymore. I cant be arsed.

The constant holding me at arms length. Intimacy has so far been a peck on the lips before work, if im lucky before bed. No feet brushing, no holding hand, no hugs, nothing to indicate if shes actually choosing me. Perhaps this is the hardest of it all.

I dont know if i can forgive or forget all those things. I am actually dreading MC now that she wants it. Because in my heart i dont know if i want it.

Its funny, she has asked for MC, a complete 180 from her. Previously her attitude to it was F that. I however am starting to wonder if i should see whats out there.

I want to GAl tonight, hell i wouldnt mind asking if the office ladies want to go out for dinner and maybe invite smiley face girl along. No intentions or expectations, just would be nice for a change. Probably a big no no.

Alternatively my guy friends are
a) boardgame group ~dont know if i am up to that right now
b) business partner ~ feels to work-ish
C) Tattoo friend and gangster ~ probably wants to drink but i am fasting for ramadhan.