Well, I reverted last night. Not to necessarily missing xW, but definitely to anger toward her. Kept me up until about 2 am, had to get up at 5 am. I thought of taking something to help me sleep too late, and was worried it wouldn't be worn off by morning. I listened to some self-hypnosis to help me sleep.
Met with IC today... She had some extremely helpful/interesting things to share, might have been the best session yet.
One thing IC explained.... spending time with FF#1 was enjoyable. It kept my focus on the moment and not on xW. Once I didn't have FF as a distraction, left a void in my thoughts that automatically filled with xW. I felt FF was filling a need, IC felt FF was good practice to learning to enjoy the moment.
IC also said about the codependence thing, noticing it is "growing"... Even if it is still there. She has the opinion that all relationships, romantic or friends, cause growth. Definitely a different opinion than I hear on this forum. She encouraged me to continue the relationship with FF wherever it may lead, but being cautious and communicating with each other our needs and our fears shows continuation of healthy growth.
She asked the million dollar question.... If xW wouldn't have left, I never would have expereinced this "growth." She said "aren't you happy about your growth?" My answer.... No! I would have preferred to keep my family and my life together had I been given the option, even if that meant a lack of growth. I don't feel like my R with xW necessarily stunted my growth, even if it was borderline toxic. I had a life, I loved it, I learned something every day. Yep, things with xW were challenging, but it was safe, unbelievably safe.
To challenge me further, she asked again where I would think the R with xW would be in 5 years. I don't know, if it had stayed on the trajectory it was on, with xW bad-mouthing me to the kids, it may have ended anyway. IC figured xW did that to try to get an ally in the battle against me. Can't say I would have thought of that.
Still, I think I would have continued to weigh the pros and cons every day, tried to make corrections to the coarse, allowed her to have her own thoughts as always, if it had never got worse I would have likely stayed, if nothing else for the kids sake. I still am way too afraid of this single-father thing.
I want nothing in my life except a romantic R...... Someone happy and healthy would be great. The mother of my kids would be even better, to be a complete family unit again.
Hats off to all who are successfully DB'ing, GAL, etc. Will I ever get there? I hope so. How? Tackling a whole lot of fears all at once I guess, so many that it feels overwhelming still.
