Working on me and letting it play out

[cbtdad]

Ok so this will be one of my longer posts. Just feel like getting some stuff out if you know what I mean. I think many of you on this board do:)

Everything has been going good. I got home late last night from work and W was in bedroom. I can tell she was visibly upset. The old me would have pushed and pushed to ask her what is wrong. I could tell she didn't want to talk about it and I had no idea what is was. So I just said, "If you need somebody to listen you just let me know". She just gave me the thumbs up and I said goodnight.
Woke up this morning. We were supposed to workout together. So I went to wake her up to see if she was still going. She said no. She said I need to setup my own dates with trainer. I said, do you plan on paying for that? She responded no.
I didn't say it mean or angry at all. I think it was just me saying I'm not going to pay for you to go to personal trainer when we aren't working on marriage. That's internally though.
So I go downstairs and eat some breakfast. Go back up to room to brush my teeth before leaving. At this point she is awake and on her Ipad. I just asked her if everything was ok. She said she knows I don't understand, but she is really stressed about paramedic school. That she almost had an anxiety attack last night. I just listened and validated. She then said its not about you. I said I know and that that's why I said if she just needed someone to listen to her that I would be here.
Fast forward to a little later. We were taking our S to reading evaluation because we are worried that he may be dyslexic.
While we were waiting she said she had talked to her dad yesterday and was telling her dad that she thought we would be in the house for another year. Which brought up the fact that next year would be 10 years. Six months ago W use to say in MC all the time that her goal no matter what would be to make it 10 years. So I said, wow 10 years. She says, well regardless of what happens she feels we've done good making it this far compared to others. That's discouraging to me. To me the fact that 6 months ago she was saying 10 years and would fight no matter what, now she seems like oh well we tried. Mindreading I know.
So we go in to meet with person doing evaluation.
Sure enough, like we were concerned, he looks like he has some ADD possible and definitely behind on reading.
So on way home I could tell the S stuff was bothering her. I asked her what she was thinking about. She didn't say anything and I could tell she was about to cry. I once again didn't press.
When we got out of car and S went inside she started to cry as she walked to her garden. I tried to hug her and she said she didn't need that right now. She says that she is just stressed and now she feels like she is leaving a lot on me and not doing her part since she is in paramedic school. I once again did my best to validate and listen. I then walked away before I headed to work and told her to have a good day. On my way to work I was really thinking about how stressed she seemed.
I sent the following text and the good thing is I di it without expecting any reply. That was a good feeling. It was as follows:
cbtdad: "I wanted to let you know that I think you are doing a great job handling everything. I understand you feel stressed and that you feel you are leaving me to deal with a lot. It's ok. I don't feel that you are. I feel like we can handle this. I may not be able to help with the school work but I'll do my best to make the household less stressed for you, that I promise. Hang in there. You are extremely smart and work hard. you gonna do great"
W: "Thanks. Still [censored] but it helps knowing you aren't holding it against me"
cbtdad: "There is nothing to hold against you. I hate that you feel that way. You do plenty! Just focus on what you need to and anytime you need help with something just ask. Might not always be able to do it, but at least ask"

So anyways I think I've come a long way compared to how I use to handle things. Much like coconut I have learned to recognize the triggers and learn how to process it before I go at it with my emotions. It's definitely tough because I feel like my W's attention is elsewhere at times. But honestly I don't know if its an OM or just the fact for the first time I am seeing her as individual with her own emotions and feelings. Either way it's something that I can't control at the moment. I will continue on my path and continue to be the best cbtdad I can