I am going to break every DB rule in the books

[Accuray]

Hi Gabs,

Glad you are back.

I read the book. I communicated here for a while, but I found it to be too rough and I was often attacked for just asking a question. So I went on with the book and kept to myself.

Who was attacking you and in what way? Generally this community is here to help and will offer support and guidance. If you have a problem with the way people were communicating to you before, please explain so that people can avoid doing it again. You're here for support, not to be attacked!

I've done everything the book says, except I guess you could say I haven't really let go.

NOTHING has changed.

There's no guarantee that anything will change. It could be the case that the relationship was so damaged there's nothing that's going to motivate the departing spouse from returning. The departing spouse could find a new relationship and decide it's a better choice for them. The departing spouse may decide that they enjoy being alone more than they enjoyed being together. There's no way for anyone to bend the departing spouse's feelings to their will, and therefore there is no guarantee that anything you do (or don't do) will work, no matter how perfectly executed.

So why bother with the book? The point is that of all the things you *could* do, Michelle and her marriage therapist community have found that these are the *best* things to do based on years of working with couples in crisis. That doesn't guarantee that the approach will work, only that it will have a better chance of working than anything else you might try.

It may be the case that there is simply *nothing* you can do, and in order to find peace you may need to find a way to accept that.

I feel strongly that if I never step up to the plate and be honest with her and tell her how much I love her, that it is as if I am just holding the door open for her to go and I never even tried to stop the one thing from happening in my life that I don't want to happen more than anything else.

Look at your language choice there -- "holding the door open for her". That would seem to imply that you still have some control over what she does, that you could instead of holding the door open, choose to "hold the door closed" and therefore keep her with you. I'm not saying that to be flip or attack you, I'm asking you to really think about it.

Haven't you been abundantly clear with her about how much you love her? Before you read the book, didn't you pour your heart out to her? Haven't you written her letters letting her know how you feel?

**Why do you think that if you tell her again, it will bring her back to you?**

What do you think she owes you?

I never once opened my heart to her and told her the truth about how I feel.

I believe you've opened your heart to her many times and told her the truth about how you feel, but the result hasn't been what you expected or wanted. Your takeaway from that seems to be that you didn't express yourself well enough, and if you only do a better job expressing yourself she will "get it" and fully understand that you love her with all your heart and if she understands that, she will certainly come back to you.

Look, another core tenant of DB is "if what you're doing isn't working do something different"

If you need to pour your heart out and explain your eternal and unconditional love for her in order to feel you left no stone unturned and to get closure, then you should do it.

Before you do it, I would just ask you to consider what will happen if you write the best letter of your life, one that would make anyone who reads it tear up over the sheer beauty of the language. What if you write that letter, she reads it, and nothing changes.

What are you going to do then?

Is there any chance that you will then feel you didn't express yourself clearly enough, and need to write another letter?

I guess what I'm asking is "where is the finish line?" At what point do you feel you will trust that she fully understands how you feel and still chooses not to reconcile?

I hate to ask you that question, but I also don't want to see you forever stuck.

If you pour your heart out and nothing changes, what comes next?

Acc